Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Long-term prognosis


In early November 2007, we miscarried our first pregnancy after our first IVF due to a double aneuploidy. We were completely blindsided by the loss, which happened after several strong heartbeats and a graduation to the obstetrician. A few weeks later, my husband Will received an email from our reproductive endocrinologist.

It read, in part:
"See you guys soon and have a nice Tgiving. Hang in there. 
Mo's long-term prognosis here is fabulous. Remind her of this for me."

We printed the email and saved it. It ended up filed as part of my ever accumulating infertility-related medical records. Files that I am piecing through and paring down today.

I've thought of this email many times in the past five years and my reaction to it has varied.

At first, I was so moved that the RE took the time to be sympathetic and encouraging to us. I clung to his words as I grieved our loss: Our long-term prognosis is fabulous. I formed the words again and again in my mouth. Words that meant everything would be ok. We would be parents soon!

I returned to his words after our second miscarriage and took comfort in them.

And after our third miscarriage.

By the fourth, fifth, and sixth miscarriages, I had become increasingly bitter about the email. What kind of freaking fabulous prognosis was this?! Seriously? This was fabulous? Because our reality seemed dismal and our future prospects increasingly hopeless to me. It felt like false hope had been offered. The words now felt extra cruel because I had fiercely wanted to believe them for so long, although I knew the email had been written with the best of intentions.

Will and I even began wryly alluding to the email with each other in a dark-humored, angry kind of way. We needed this "fabulous prognosis" like we needed holes in our heads.

And then pregnancy number seven. Which somehow...kept...continuing. Even when we couldn't imagine that it would. All the way to a delivery. All the way to Magpie.

And now she is here.

She is sleeping in the other room. I tear up just realizing the incredibleness of it. Of her.

And so it turns out that our long-term prognosis was fabulous after all. What I had failed to appreciate was the word "long-term." I would never have imagined how long-term it would be.

But five years later here we are.

What a difficult journey it has been.

Amazing. Unexpected. She is here.

Mo

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31 comments:

Lisa said...

This is such a moving post. I am so happy for you, Will and Magpie. A fabulous long-term prognosis indeed!

myfertilityjourney said...

Beautiful post. Absolutely fabulous long-term prognosis!

Anonymous said...

I never commented, but feel it is time now. You should forward a copy of this blog post to the person writing to you about the long-term prospects!
I am so happy for you that the long-term outcome finally arrived, and I love reading your story. (it also worked for me, in the meantime...)
I wish you all the best for the next years!

Jamie said...

I am so full of joy for all three of you. What a beautiful post! <3<3

SLESE1014 said...

Long term....5 years...yeah, I'd say that's long term...but he was right...it was a bumpy road (from hell), but here you are and Magpie is here....could not have more joy in my heart for you all!!

newbie said...

What a wonderful story...your Magpie is so beautiful, and your story will give so much hope to so many. Thanks for sharing Mo,

Ashley said...

So beautiful. And I'm so happy for your family.

gwinne said...

Listening to you from afar these years, all I can say is YES.

And sleeping babies are the best :)

Dora said...

"I tear up just realizing the incredibleness of it. Of her."

My eyes filled reading this. YES!

Please give her a big smooch from me!

Secret Sloper said...

Long term is right. But so hard to hold on to when every day, week, month, cycle, year seems to add more to the "not fabulous" pile. I am so glad all three of you made it through the last five years to this wonderful place today.

Kate said...

I come by here over and over and over just to stare and the photos and rejoice, yes, in the product of your most excellent long term prognosis. AWESOME and amazing, humbling. And tear-inducing, over and over and over.
Just look at her.
Just look at her.

Nissa said...

I love this! Lots of times when i look at my daughter I think: THIS is why we had to go through so much loss...to get *this* precious girl!!!! If any other pregnancy or IVF cycle had stuck...we wouldn't have MY precious girl!!!

CeCe said...

this is such an awesome post. you guys survived a very long and very difficult journey and are triumphant in the end. you did it.

so, so glad that sweet baby girl is here!

E said...

Love this! {mush}

Nicole said...

this post made me cry! So beautiful. So happy for you both!

Kari said...

Our journey was no where near as long or painful as yours, but once my son was here I came to a place where I realized what we went through, the losses, the heartache, the darkness were all things we HAD to go through to get to him. For the timing to line up so we were blessed with exactly who we were supposed to parent. And had someone told me that during our journey I would have been angry and not believed them...but on the other side where I am so blessed to be I see it all clearly now. I'm so, so, so, infinitely happy for you and Will!! Magpie is exactly who you've been waiting for. Though the journey was long and hard you're there now. Enjoy her and your wonderful life together!!

Anonymous said...

"Amazing. Unexpected. She is here."
- Totally choked up on that - totally. So very happy for you!!

Emily Erin said...

So glad that you are within your happily ever after. Bliss.

Kate said...

What a beautiful post. So happy for you and Will.

Brid said...

Yeah, it sure doesn't get better than this. Time is a funky beast!
ps... I am totally digging Magpie's gorgeous hairline! What a treat!

Anonymous said...

i am laughing as we had a similar experience... when we found out our baby had died during labor, the l&d nurse told me not to worry, we would have another baby. i never think it is a good idea to say these things, no matter how encouraging, because you never know what the future holds. it took you guys 6 more pregnancies and 5 years, and it took us 4 pregnancies and 7 years, and a whole other baby dying to get to the realization of that nurse's proclamation.

but, yes! she is here! and she really is fabulous. and so are you guys... i know you are cherishing this time, and holding the gift of parenthood true to your hearts!

threegeminis said...

So beautiful. I'd guess it'll take quite a long time to sink in... which just leaves you more time to marvel in it all. <3

It Is What It Is said...

So glad you hung in for the 'long term'.

Chickachick said...

we are so lucky. lucky to have you in bloglandia to remind us that some women do get their take home biological baby. You persevered and have Magpie. She is a little gem and someday I hope my little gem miracle boy can take her to prom ha ha! So so happy for you!!!!!!

Augusta said...

what a wonderful post, Mo. I'm so glad that in the long term, your prognosis revealed itself to indeed be so wonderful.

Marcia (123 blog) said...

i'm so pleased that it's all turned out so well!

Your post made me tear up a bit too!!!

Erin @ Will CarryOn said...

Thank you for sharing your story of hope, determination and survival. It helps to read about others' journeys to remind me that we're not alone, and there is hope.

Anonymous said...

Mo, posts like this are why I continue to read your blog. You are an inspiration! For all you went through, you are able to see the positives. Had your (well deserved) bitterness or anger taken control, you might have given up well before Magpie. But you didn't let it. And that's why you're an inspiration, and that's why you are already an amazing mother to one of the luckiest little girls out there! Thanks for sharing so much.

PJ said...

Catching up on posts...
She is so incredibly beautiful! I know you're just loving this time with her. So happy for you guys!

It never left me really, the losses. The journey. Although there is such a peace now. I am still in awe of my family.

Kristen @ A Modern Mrs. said...

This gives me hope. While we don't have any diagnosis, the hubs and I have been trying for a baby for two years with no luck. We had a miscarriage back in 2009 and it has been a long road ever since. I'm hoping 2013 is our year, but it's hard to be optimistic nowadays.

jjiraffe said...

Oh, this made me tear up. I am so thrilled for you and Will and your Magpie.

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