Friday, February 13, 2015

Headed in the right direction with beta and perspective

I've never been so relieved to see a dropping beta (as of yesterday, HCG = 237.3, progesterone = 11.12). Ultrasound for ectopic was negative, as expected. In my mind this has been over since Monday's results came in. Glad my body seems to be getting the picture too. Lingering in this semi-pregnant but not heading anywhere good state is not recommended. I just want this limbo situation to be over with.

In your experience, at what point does an actual miscarriage commence? Is it when the progesterone drops low enough, and at what level does that tend to be?

I am sad, but knowing I will miscarry while simultaneously having Ms. Magpie here in my life is a qualitatively different experience. I would love to have a sibling for Magpie, but I am thrilled with her presence in our lives. She changes the experience of this miscarriage so deeply for me. So this feels hard, but it is not the profoundly hopeless, filled-with-fear-that-I-will-never-get-out-the-other-side sadness I have experienced with all of the other losses. I am sad, but definitely still intact.

Magpie, on the other hand, is magnificent. I am even more grateful for her presence in our lives than usual, and she feels ever more a miracle.

On the day I went in for the induction before Magpie's birth, I quoted Carole Maso (with thanks to Gwinne): "I dream of the one yet to be born. The one still curled in my womb. The one who will open like a star." 

And Magpie has opened like a star - she has unfurled into our lives in all her glory, a shining, living, breathing, amazing girl, one who came so close to never existing. I still can't quite believe it.

Now, as if on cue, she is calling from her crib: "Mommy?".... "Mommy?".... "Mommy?" And so I will go to her for some morning cuddles in the rocking chair, warm milk in her sippy cup to hand her for this cold, cold morning.


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Thursday, February 12, 2015

Groundhog day: The HPT version - edited

Another day, another pee stick. They test lines look remarkably the same across days, don't they? Not a good thing at all to not see the lines darkening. And yet, the lines don't really look significantly lighter to me either. Sigh.

Still waiting to hear from the OB, which seems rather unbelievable. I put a call in this morning asking for where to go from here, so hopefully I'll get a response later today.


I heard from the OB's nurse and they want me to get an ultrasound today to rule out an ectopic. Plus repeat the beta so we can get results before the long weekend. Both seem like reasonable next steps.

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Wednesday, February 11, 2015

The sadness of waiting for the inevitable

I'm still technically pregnant. Walking around in bit of a sad haze. I think the reality has mostly sunk in, although my body hasn't gotten the message. No bleeding, still slightly queasy with sore boobs. Pee stick still darkening but not in any dramatically different, hope-inspiring way.

I'm frustrated to say that I'm still waiting on my OB's office to call and discuss the findings with me. Thank God I have other avenues to access my blood test results, because can you imagine the state I'd be in if I were still waiting two days later to hear the numbers from the test drawn Monday morning?! And having no idea it is bad news, thinking that no news must mean all is well? It's Wednesday, people!

I'm not in the mood to go chase them down to hear the bad news, and I've been on this merry-go-round ride enough times previously to know that even if there were some infinitesimal chance of a turn around, there's nothing else I can do to try to make it happen. I'm taking my prenatal, I'm taking extra folic acid, I'm on lovenox (still, begrudgingly), I'm taking prednisone, I even plunked down major cash for the IVIG. The outcome is completely out of my hands.

I'm guessing that when the OB's office gets around to calling, I will be told to come in for another beta draw to receive the final nail in this pregnancy coffin.

I'm trying to view this whole surprise pregnancy as a gift as well as a "warm up" to our next FET, but at this moment I just feel tired and worn out and sad.

Thanks for waiting with me. Reading your thoughts and supportive words helps.


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Monday, February 9, 2015

Pregnancy #8: Beta #3

Results are back and are decidedly not good.

Beta HCG = 264.0
Progesterone down to 20.71.

I haven't heard my OB's take on this yet (obtained results elsewhere), but I can't imagine there's any hope with a rise like this and drop in progesterone.

Oh well. Looks like it wasn't meant to be. I am more sad than I thought I would be to hear this news.


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Early pregnancy land and waiting for beta #3

Pregnancy is so so different this time around. I have my beautiful take home girl already. I never thought we'd get out the other side to her. And she is incredible, intense, full of life and personality. We were cuddling this weekend all together in mama and daddy's bed and I was just relishing her little nose brushing against my cheek, getting to gaze into her eyes that are smiling right back into mine. My little girl and I have a bit of a love affair going on. I would love to give Magpie a sibling, but this little embryo is fairly abstract and she is so very real, so my thoughts tend to revolve around her and her my reticence to heft her 25 pound body around while in these early pregnancy stages is frustrating to her.... How I'm tired already, seemingly only minutes into the pregnancy, making me a less good mom.

This weekend, I was very crampy in a way that felt menstrual and unsettling. No spotting, thankfully. I started to feel really scared until I looked back and saw that I had experienced similar sensations around the same time in my pregnancy with Magpie (that I subtly described as feeling like I was carrying Rosemary's Baby). So that was a bit reassuring. Then last night, the cramping subsided entirely, and instead of being relieved, I freaked out about that too. This is the awfulness of early pregnancy. There is just a lot of not knowing you have to tolerate. Not exactly my strong suit. Now I'm feeling little twinges and pulls and burbles, which are easier to interpret in a positive way, although I know better than most that these early symptoms could mean anything. The embryo is growing! The embryo is dying! Sigh.

So as of late this morning, blood has been drawn for beta #3. Unfortunately, I feel certain that nothing the results can tell me will comfort me. The options are: (1) unambiguously bad news - e.g., dropping beta; or (2) unclear - beta is doubling or almost doubling. We had great doubling numbers with pregnancy number 5 (the triploidy), so while great doubling numbers are certainly better than non-doubling numbers, I'm thinking this time that feeling more certain will come much, much further down the road. This morning, I kept thinking, What will another number really tell me? Not much. Along with, This whole pregnancy is just such a gift! A bonus, however long it lasts, that I considered just not going for another beta and instead waiting a couple of weeks to do an ultrasound to see if there's a heartbeat.

But I went. And now I wait. We will see what we shall see. Thanks so much for your support and thoughts. They really help.


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