Reaching 20 weeks is a big pregnancy milestone. I am thrilled we are here. That the little one is still alive.
I had been doing ok with my fear levels until about a week or so ago...and then as we approached the 20 week mark, all hell broke loose internally. I became terrified that the baby would die before we reached 20 weeks. In my nerve-wracked mind (and in medical terminology), her death before 20 weeks would be miscarriage #7. Should she make it past 20 weeks, and then die, she would be stillborn. She would be counted differently, as my child, as having been here. Of course this is all semantics. Nothing magical happened between last Friday and Saturday. Same little one. Same emotional impact of her death, if that had occurred. But I felt so afraid that she might just get lumped in with all the other losses, and be, well, "lost" amidst my history of recurrent miscarriage.
Perhaps needless to say, but while I was in this terrified state of mind, imagining this little one making it full-term, and being born alive, and joining our family...well that was a tall, somewhat impossible, order.
In this strange, dark way, 20 weeks became this critical milestone to get to.
I saw the OB last week and immediately she could tell I was much more anxious than I have been. She wanted to know why, and I tried to explain. I ended up crying on the exam table about wanting this baby's life "to count." I could tell that I shocked her. I haven't been so emotional this whole pregnancy. I haven't let myself get emotionally invested.
But as usual, she was great. Reassuring, normalizing. Saying I've been holding myself back this whole time, and now it's hitting me. I am pregnant. There is a real baby inside of me. A baby I could lose, just like all the others, and have my heart shattered. She listened, she reassured me. She checked everything checkable. Cervix is long and closed. Blood pressure good. Urine fine. Weight gain fine. She had me list my fears again and we went over them one by one:
She said preterm labor doesn't happen this early unless I'm dilating. And I'm not. I look fine so far for preeclampsia. PPROM also almost impossible unless I start dilating. And cervical incompetence (which could lead to many of my other fears) we are checking for weekly and see no evidence of.
I have another anatomy scan this Friday. We will check on everything checkable. Again. I will get a cervical measurement done. My mom will be here visiting and will come with Will and me. I think it will thrill her beyond imagining to see the scan. This is her first time to see me this pregnancy. Her first time to see me visably pregnant ever. Another milestone.
I've been checking on little Magpie almost daily with the doppler. She's in there cooking. She's the size of a cantaloupe. She's doing fine as far as we know.
Her mama is a bundle of nerves but is hanging in there too. I just need Ms. Magpie to stay in there for another 8 weeks minimum.
Stay in there. Stay alive. Stay in there. Stay alive.
I repeat this to her in an urgent whisper several times a day.
So far, she seems to be listening.
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