It's official. I'm in a funk.
I have transitioned over the weekend from trying to obsessively problem-solve this miscarriage issue to a crashing sensation early this morning that hope is running out. All weekend, I tried to figure out, make a decision about PGD or CGH, but then in the middle of the night last night, I awoke and just thought, What's the point?
So we do PGD or CGH and the embryos are all abnorm
al. So then what? Does that mean that ALL of my embryos are abnormal? Probably no one can tell me that. Do we just stop then? Adopt? Find a donor? Or do we still think we need to try again, because hey, it's just 6 or 10 or 12 embryos, right? I've got lots more in there, and there's always that seductive (and increasingly sinister) thought creeping in, Maybe if we just keep going there's one good one in there somewhere...
Or we do PGD or CGH and one or more of the embryos are normal. So then what? We have had 14 embryos transferred and only two took. Two aneuploid ones. Were they ALL abnormal? Maybe, maybe not. So in this optimistic scenario, we transfer the normal one/s (now that we've damaged them with these procedures) and hope for the best. Except, thing is, I think the likelihood of pregnancy is almost nil. You see, I'm plumb out of hope. Five IVFs at a top clinic have gotten me nowhere but sad and strained and remarkably poorer. So I can't even imagine that I'd get pregnant and stay pregnant.
In the middle of the night, it felt like, who cares if all of our embryos are aneuploid or not? Whether the embryos are or are not chromosomally normal, IVF has decidedly NOT worked very well for us (not that natural pregnancy has either, but hey, at least it's free).
In my mind in either scenario, we're out $30k(ish), still have no baby and are left with dwindling financial and emotional resources to try to get one via adoption or donor. Like we're no closer to moving on and out of this sad and difficult place. A place I am so, so ready to move from.
I've also been having strange dreams.
I dream that I adopted my sister, who in real life is almost a decade younger than me, but in the dream was a four-year-old toddler. I had all of these baby clothes I kept trying to put on her and they didn't fit, baby gear that I wanted her to play with that she wasn't interested in. I was thrilled to have her and know that she was mine and yet, she was too big and bulky and not the little baby I was supposed to have. I awake, feeling unsettled and filled with longing.
Another night I dream that I am having strange gynecological procedures done. The goal is for me to get pregnant, but everyone on the medical staff is standing around looking sympathetically at me on the table, somber and sad. I know that I will not get pregnant, and I think they do too, and yet we were going through the motions with these uncomfortable procedures. I awake, anxious, depleted.
Will says I am paralyzed by too many options. And maybe he is right. Funny thing is, even though I know it's not true, I feel like I don't have any. I guess, if I were being more honest, I just am not wild about any of them. I'm not a gambling person, but the odds don't look good to me.