Monday, August 17, 2009

Surfacing

We were overwhelmed with the response to our sad news. Thank you so very much for all of your comments. Longtime readers, we feel like we know you, even though we haven't (likely) met you in real life. Those who took the time to comment for the first time, thank you too. You may think that when you're the 128th, or the 209th, commenter that it doesn't matter if you leave a message, but it does. We read every single one. Many of them while I was waiting for surgery. And they helped. Each of them. All of them. So thank you.
I have considered starting a post many times since we lost the baby, but just don't know where to begin or how to express what we're feeling in words.
I am at a loss for words.
I am lost.

Every miscarriage has been different. You'd think we would get the hang of it, become used to at least our own reactions, but they keep changing. This latest pregnancy, I felt very hopeful. The RE said the baby looked "perfect"; the OB said she was "very optimistic." I also felt intermittently convinced that we would have another bad outcome. Because that's what has happened every time. And then to see the baby lying there so still on the ultrasound. No heartbeat. Again. Another missed miscarriage.
It is terrible that our worst fears keep coming true over and over again.
The prospect of trying again fills me with dread. Even if I somehow knew we had a perfect embryo, pregnancy right now has been transformed from something I have always, always wanted to a fear-filled nine months that I'm not sure I can do anymore. This is so saddening and is another loss, in addition to the five pregnancies. The experience of growing and nourishing a child inside of me - something I have always longed for since I was a girl - feels ruined.
These many attempts and consecutive losses - which have spanned our entire marriage - are taking a toll on me, on Will, on our relationship, on our friendships, on our families. I don't know how to grieve the losses over and over again and then move forward. I feel that I am becoming suffused with a sadness that just doesn't entirely lift. And that our strategy of just continuing forward hasn't worked because it seems like there is always just another loss around the corner.
One thing I know for sure: if we're going to try again, I need to be seen by a recurrent miscarriage specialist first. We had a recurrent miscarriage work up at an academic medical center, which turned up no clotting issues and found Will and I to both be chromosomally normal. After all of it, they found nothing, really. So we were told to just keep rolling the dice and hoping for the best. I can't do that any more. I fear that we have more than one problem going on, something in addition to our two confirmed chromosomal losses. Maybe my body is rejecting the babies. Maybe the placenta is not forming correctly. But I do not believe that we have merely fallen on the wrong side of the odds five times in a row. I refuse to gamble again with my sanity and our relationship without arming ourselves with everything we can.
Even armed with information, trying again feels psychologically and spiritually perilous.
At the same time, I can't imagine a life without children.
I do not know where to go from here.
Mo

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59 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm one of your silent lurkers and also happen to have 2 miscarriages under my belt now. I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now. But I can absolutely relate to the fear of another pregnancy.... I know how much that sucks.

Thinking of you and wishing only good things for you :)

mekate said...

Oh Mo,
I am so glad to hear your voice here, and
what next... what the hell. I have no advice at all. yes, it makes sense to see what other factors may be at work-- that does make sense, it does. But I also know from my tiny experience, how hard it is to look ahead-- yes, I want to, but with whose energy? with whose hopefulness? Wishing you all good things always,
Kate

Lin said...

I have no words, but I just wanted to reach out through the blogosphere with (((HUGS)))! Huge HUGS! You will both be in my thoughts and prayers!

Anonymous said...

Lurker here. I check almost daily. Silently cheering you on and supporting you.

Anonymous said...

I am also a lurker coming out to send you some heartfelt prayers. I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to let you know I am praying for you and whatever you decide will be the right decision for you.

Kelley

Sprogblogger said...

Yes yes yes. A thousand times, yes.

I, too, am having a really hard time believing that I'm just that unlucky 4 times in a row. And I'm having a really hard time imagining surviving a pregnancy with anything like my sanity intact, even if it's created from a perfectly not-my-crappy-eggs donation. How do people get through this sort of thing even resembling the person they were before?

If you find the answers, no one will be as interested in hearing them as me. Ditto on the "recurrent loss" specialist. I'm awfully damned interested in what you find out. Thinking of you.

Infertile In the City said...

I don't think anyone can get used to or good at having their heart ripped into a million pieces, it is not something that makes sense, it is not something we are born to feel. This shit is just not right.


One other thing - I know you are in NY - have you ever read peesticksandstones blog? She goes to some fancy RE who has helped (with IVIG) - it maybe soemthing you wnat to investigate.

luna said...

abiding with you as you figure out your next steps. hoping you find the answers you seek, or at least some promise of hope for the future.

heedpantsnow said...

I pray for your strength and that peace comes to you in some form soon. You deserve a better outcome than you have been dealt.

Hoping for brighter days ahead!

jodie38 said...

I'm with you. No way, no way is all that bad luck, just being on the wrong side of the curve. There has to be something there, something to test for, treat. I don't have any suggestions for you (we went to DE pretty quickly, for lots of reasons but definitely amongst them was a refusal to keep rolling crappy dice), but I know exactly what you mean when you mention being suffused with sadness and dread. Something's gotta give. My advice, FWIW, take some time to heal, dive back in when you're ready - if anyone can find their way through, you guys can. Thinking of you both.....

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Too much to say, but you've heard it all before I'm sure.

I hope you find the strength, I'm behind you guys.

Barefoot said...

I don't know what to say except that I'm thinking of you guys.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you right now. I am not sure how you find the strength to keep moving forward with the loss you have had to deal with. You are much stronger in this department than I think I could have ever been. That says something pretty amazing about both you and Will.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope some day soon your miracle comes to you.

Something you may want to consider, if the fear of carrying is too much, you could always look into surrogacy. It's amazing these days and I know so many going through it these days and a lot are even having twins. They are still your babies made from you and Will, just growing inside another extraordinary person in this world. Just a thought. Hope it's okay that I suggested it.

Good luck and hang in there :)

Anonymous said...

Apparently misery makes lurkers surface. Yep, me too.
I miscarried in June, it was my first time pregnant. I am still picking up the pieces. But one thing I know, that no one ever should be in the position of writing 'miscarriage no. 5'.

There are no words to convey my feeling so sorry for you. It is like I relieve my entire pain all over with you. And with Sprogblogger.

You, ladies, give me courage and perspective. I am in awe. Somehow, I am sure that whatever you do, you will chose the right thing. You will over analyse things, you will go through hell and back in your mind, thinking and feeling all those thoughts and feelings you never wanted to have, but I am so sure, in the end, whatever you will decide to do, will be the right thing to do. And this is something only a mom can do.

This is why I think of you as a mom. Your child is still making you wait. But you WILL have that child.

I have learned from early on that being a good person does not mean that good things will happen to you, on the contrary, I might say. BUT they will happen.

Pick yourself up and do not lose hope in tomorrow.

Wishing you all the best,

Minna

Megan said...

I am so sorry. It seems as the journey continues the decision become more and more difficult. The stakes become so much higher. I wish you the best in making these difficult decisions.

Emily said...

Just stopping by and lending some support and sending lots more hugs!

SassyIfLady said...

Hey there - glad to see your post. I've been thinking about you and both my husband and I have kept you guys in our thoughts and prayers. Sending lots of hugs and wine your way! Take care.

Anonymous said...

Just a lurker here. I'm glad to see the updated post to know you are still out there. I was worried about you! Still am.

You will know. You are a strong, intelligent woman and you will make the right choice for growing your family. Trust yourself that it will be the right, whatever road you choose.

Sarah said...

I've got two under my belt, and I totally feel your pain. I hope neither one of us knows what it's like to have that number go up. Sometimes I wonder if we've really covered all the bases on the M/C causes. The last thing I want to do is have anotehr one THEN be trying to figure it out. Are you doing Lovenox, extra B vitamins, extra folic acid, and baby aspirin?

Clare said...

I recently just found your blog and my heart broke for you when I read about your recent miscarriage. I understand your pain and fear about continuing on BUT I cannot know how you feel. One of my closest friends has just suffered her third miscarriage this year - she has found out it is because of her blood type and so she is rejecting the baby. There are no words I have for her that offer comfort, only to say that we are here thinking of you, praying for you, hoping for the best. I think your plan of being seen by the specialist beforehand and getting a proper work over is a good one. Sending a million hugs.

Wendy said...

I don't even know what to say. You're living my nightmare, as my hubby and I aren't even allowed to try at the moment. I wonder often how many of my VERY late periods were pregnancies, and how many were due to my PCOS.

I wish you were here. I'd cook you a big meal and top it with a decadent dessert, and let you talk until your words or voice gave out.

Michelle said...

Mo,

I am so sorry. I know all to well these exact feelings. I too thought it should get easier because maybe you are suppose to get used to it but I learned that it is so NOT true. I don't think we are meant to get used to loss. I think it has actually gotten harder as the times increase. Each time it strips away the tiny bit of hope that you have. I am just so sorry and I wish there was something I could do or say to make it all better. Just know that I am here and if you need anything let me know. I am sending lots of hugs and prayers to both you and Will. I hope you get the answers you DESERVE!

XXOO

Kate said...

Here's hoping you'll get some answers. Immune issues? Chronic infection? Seems like there's a couple schools of thought on recurrent miscarriages.
I can certainly understand the agony of thinking of attempting another pregnancy. If you can find something wrong and treat it first, maybe you'll be able to have more faith that next time will work out.

Bella said...

Glad to hear from you and even though I know there's nothing we can do to make it better, at least we can send you all the love and support in the world. I am praying so ard that you and Will can get some answers and are blessed with a sticky baby very soon. Many ((HUGS))

Cheryl said...

I believe you will find your way, your path will somehow emerge from all this sadness and pain.

The sun will shine again, you will breath again.

Rest, be well.

Cheryl

Simple said...

Hi there - I read your blog religiously and my heart simply breaks for you. I can't even imagine what you & DH must be feeling. Just know there are so many of us sending you best wishes & hope that you find the strength to carry on. (hugs)

meinsideout said...

thinking of you - often.

Sarah said...

Thinking of you and sending you strength, healing and as much peace as is possible right now. No matter what path you choose, someday you and Will will be even more exceptional parents (and a stronger team) for all that you have endured.

Kate said...

I'm so sorry. I wish it didn't have to be this hard.

michelle said...

What a long road it can be the journey toward being parents. I am so sorry for your most recent loss. I know that words while comforting won't solve all of the problems, but we are all out here rooting for you guys.

'Murgdan' said...

Thinking of you....

that's all.

Just thinking of you.

Niki said...

I have stood exactly where you are standing and understand your confusion and pain. It hurts terribly and sucks beyond words! My heart aches for you and I wish there was something profound that I could say to make you feel better, but as I know the only thing to say is I'm sorry you are going through this.

I understand your need for additional testing. As scientists we are logical, so we find coincidences hard to believe. Really can someone just by chance be on the wrong side of the stats 5 times? I'm behind you 100% in your quest for more testing and hopefully some additional answers.

From experience I can tell you that time will give you clarity in terms of where to go next and what to do in your quest. I will also tell you that it's not easy to continue on after so many losses with only blind faith to guide you. However, my hope is that the daily fear will be worth it in the end.

Thinking of you and sending peace and strength your way.

Alexicographer said...

I'm glad to see your post. With many others I was crushed by your news ... I had so hoped this was "it" for you, complete with a wonderful fairytale ending after all you have endured.

I hope you will reach a place where you can move forward in building your family and that the answers you find in seeking that place lead you to an approach that not only works but feels right to you.

Tiffanie said...

i'm so sorry for what you and Will are going thru and my heart aches for you both. infertility is so ufair, but this is a whole other kind of unfairness.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mo and Will, I'm delurking here for the fisrt time, I wasn't sure what to say to you when I read about the baby. I was just so sad for you. I've been checking in daily to see if you're still blogging, and was very relieved to see this post.
Time is only thing that will help right now, your first reaction of not wanting to try again is very understandable. And although time does not heal, it does get better, that's all I know.
Take time out from everything, talk, cry, remember, dream.
It will get easier to cope, it will.

Thinking of you two, always.
Lots of love Mandy.

nepsi said...

I am at a loss for what to say. I wish I could reassure you and tell you that if you got pg you would have a happy and healthy pg secure in the knowledge that you would carry to term. It is the worst that both infertility and miscarriages have robbed us of that experience. I am so sorry.

Ashes said...

*hugs* thinking of you

Bluebird said...

I'm so glad to hear from you. You two have been on my mind every day since your last post. My heart broke when I read it.

I understand your search for answers; I think I'd so the same thing.

Thinking of you.

Lisa said...

Your post really resonates as I too am dealing with RPL. Thinking of you and Will and sending you big hugs.

Phoebe said...

While our stories are very different, I can relate to what you said at the end. I do not look forward to being pregnant again. It was a nightmare for me. But I can't imagine not having my own child.

You've been through a lot of loss, and it takes time to work through that grief. Not much can be figured out or done while you are grieving. I'm so sorry you have to go through this again. For me, it's like living all the other losses all over again too, so all the losses are compounded. Huge Hugs!!

K said...

I wish you love and peace right now. Peace and calmness so you can find the love you have for each other, that you need to carry you through this loss.

Just be for a bit. There's no timetable that says you have to know where you are going next. Take care of each other, cry, be sad, and love.

strongblonde said...

really wishing i could somehow make it better.

sending you lots of love and positive vibes!!

xoxo

MissMVK said...

We are all here to help you find your way, whenever you are ready. Sending lots of hugs and love your way.

one-hit_wonder said...

Am heartbroken for you.

xxx

Sheila said...

I'm another one that mostly lurks but wanted you to know you're in my thoughts and prayers. As someone that has dealt with infertility, 2 m/c and 3 failed IVF/ICSI cycles, it changes a person. No matter how hard you try, you're changed. For me, 'the fear' never leaves, I'm always on the edge of my seat waiting for the shoe to drop - infertility and loss changes a person. It's hard to find anyone that can understand. Thinking of you both.

Dani819 said...

I've been checking in daily hoping to hear your voice. You have both been in my thoughts every day.

I hope there are answers- wish there were anything at all that could lighten your load. We're all out here pulling for you.

musicmakermomma said...

Mo, so glad you posted - I've been thinking of you. My heart is aching for you and Will, of course this just isn't fair. And I so hear you about falling on the wrong side of the odds so many times; I just can't believe I've done DE 3 times and I'm still not pg. Hope the recurrent m/c docs can find SOMETHING fixable for you guys - it is just so terrifying to have no real answers.

Thinking of you both, best of luck whatever you decide.

Victoria said...

So glad to see a post from you and know you are getting by, day by day.
I had 4 pregnancies prior to finally having a live birth with my 5th pregnancy and have had two chemical pregnancies and one ectopic since (and these are a mix of naturally conceived, IVF, DE cycles). It's a f*ed up mess. My FB status tonight is "Are some things just really not meant to be" because I'm not sure who I am in all this sometimes.
Do all that you said you would and then chart your course.

Carrie1074 said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could give some advice, but I just can't. I have had 3 miscarriages in the past and all 3 were different circumstances. I do believe that after some healing you and your husband will figure out what you feel is right for you and what steps you should take next. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

MabelB said...

Thinking of you both and I really hope you get answers through testing. The unknown and the fear must be so hard to deal with. Also, who wouldn't be finding this situation a strain on their relationship? The fact you are still together and communicating with each other shows what an amazingly strong couple you are. Take care of yourselves.

nutmeg96 said...

God, when I had my second miscarriage, I remember seeing the still baby on screen. Something about the image reminded me of a crumpled piece of paper. Worst feeling ever.

I only had two miscarriages (and a jacked-up uterus) but I was paranoid throughout my third pregnancy. Turns out the paranoia saved my baby -- I guess it's like that old saying: "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean nobody's out to get you." I don't have any words of wisdom for you. If you decide to keep trying, chances are probably 100% that you'll be terrified the whole time. The only good thing about the terror is that it means the pregnancy hasn't ended yet.

Thinking of you.

sonja said...

i don't know you, but i have been following your blog for a few months now, and i was so sorry to hear of your loss. i have thought of you a lot this past week and feel so sad for all you have been through. it's so unfair. i hope that in the coming weeks and months you are able to better discern what is best for you and your husband. you're in my thoughts.

iamstacey said...

I'm so sorry, Mo. I had such high hopes, everything just seemed to line up and this seemed like your time. My heart is just broken for you. All I can think is take time for just the two of you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Pie said...

Glad you have surfaced, and big ((((HUGS)))) for all you and Will are going through. Take time, grieve, and see where that takes you. I'm just so sorry you must go through this, its unfair. Hang in there.

My Endo Journey said...

Words cannot express the sorrow I am feeling in my heart for you guys. Sending prayers your way!

dreamsandfalsealarms said...

You are in my thoughts as you struggle through this very dark time.

Beautiful Mess said...

Sending you many hugs, much love and lots of peace as you travel down this road of what to do next.

You and Will are in my thoughts and I'm holding you both so very close to my heart. I'm so very sorry.
*HUGS*

Bec said...

Im sorry to have seen your news so late. I have been a silent follower and I am so incredibly sad for you. I don't understand why these things happen. Sending you my love xxx

ToddV said...

I am so very sorry to hear this news. I hadn't been following any blogs for a few months now, and the last time I read yours, it was a much more hopeful time. Please accept my condolences on your loss and add my voice to the chorus of folks who are sending hugs your way.

Best to you and Will. Hang in there - together.

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