Thursday, March 26, 2009

Climbing out of the hole

It is still early days and we are both feeling fragile. But after two mental health days at the beginning of the week, I am back at work, and Will is beginning to perk up somewhat, too.

Today is a little bit better than yesterday. Yesterday is a little bit better than the day before. Looks like we're in the process of picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off, and taking stock of where we're at as a couple and the situation we find ourselves in. One. Foot. In. Front. Of. The. Other.

My RE has called me twice to speak by phone and has also been in email contact with us. We will see him in person tomorrow for a sit-down meeting. We feel that he is truly going the extra mile to be available and attentive, consulting with other doctors, speaking with us frequently, and squeezing us in so that we can meet quickly and not have to marinate in our grief and anxiety for too long without more information.

Will has been making fun of me a bit for this, but we've . . . ok, I've . . . also lined up meetings with the other best clinic in NYC and with another great clinic near the Rockies. We're unsure if we're keeping these appointments, but it is good to have them. Will says I'm aiming to spread my embryos across the United States. But to me, it is more about making sure there isn't something we're missing that could make the difference. Mostly because I don't ever want to have regrets about our decisions now should we have a poor outcome. And also, of course, because I want to maximize our chances of a good outcome.

Here's a quote I recently taped to my computer at work:

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems
don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the
best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next." -Gilda Radner

The infertility journey continues to challenge me to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty. Not my strong suit. But hopefully I'm growing into it.

We certainly have no idea what is going to happen next. But we're going to hang in there - and try to take each moment as it comes - on the journey to finding out.

Mo

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24 comments:

loribeth said...

I love that quote from Gilda. I actually have it on a fridge magnet! as well as on my blog. Hang in there...

WiseGuy said...

Hang in there...

Hope is such a witch!

Just take it a bit easy.

musicmakermomma said...

Mo - glad you are finding that pillar of strength inside. I know it is an awful time, but it is so great that you are determined to leave no stone unturned! I love the idea of you having embryos across America! Good luck on the next leg of your journey.

glamcookie said...

What a beautiful Radner quote (loved her so much). I'm glad you're exploring every avenue and hope that you find success in your journey.

Thinking of you both.

Nikki said...

I love that quote! Hugs to both of you - take care of yourselves.

Ashley said...

I think starting over is the hardest part, to be honest.

ICLW

CTagsGirl said...

You and Will have been in my thoughts and prayers. Thinking of you today...*hugs*

Barefoot said...

What a great quote. I'm glad to hear that things are getting better bit by bit. I've been thinking a lot about you guys these past couple of days!

nepsi said...

I hope you can get some answers and lots of opinions can't hurt too much. I had consults at 6 clinics in 2 years. The RE are only human after all (though some may have other impressions) so it is good to get other perspectives. There are no hard and fast answers here since it is still an evolving field of study and what we don't know vastly outweighs what we do. I always made me feel better to have a back up plan waiting in the wings just in case. Take care.

Nic said...

I hope you get out of your dark place soon. I love that quote. ~ICLW

Duck said...

Hey Mo,
Do you know pee sticks and stones? she went to some sorta amazing clinics to end all clinics in NYC (Dr Rockstar and Fancy pants)?
I'm with you, one foot then the other, keep on moving up.

strongblonde said...

i absolutely love that quote :)

i can't wait to hear how the consults go. i feel that some of those places seem to work magic, you know?

xoxo

michelle said...

I am no less impressed with your strong will to maintain optimism today than I was when I first read your blog. I love that quote and hope you don't mind but I have posted it on my blog as well.

Faith said...

What a great quote. Glad today is better than yesterday, and trusting tomorrow will be better than today. You are in my thoughts.

Bottoms Off said...

I'm so glad each day is better than the last. Hopefully tomorrow will be better still.

Michelle said...

That is a fantastic quote! I heard some great things about the clinic in the Rockies!

Sticks and Stims said...

I still feel like shit. ((HUGS)) to you.

Peachysurro said...

Thinking of you...What a great quote from Gilda, I love that!!
Sounds like you are picking yourselves up, bit by bit...Keep at it.
Hugs!!

mekate said...

Mo and Will- So much of this is about regret management, it is for me too. I totally honor that. I think that having a plan and gathering information for us science types is critical, we need to be able to DO something even if what we are doing is learning and exploring option. I think of Wills gremlins and think of them as the matched set of hope and regret. One is necessary but both can bite you in the ass. Good luck as you move through this difficult time. I am so glad your doctor is being so good and available. And I also hope you end up with a place and a plan that feel good for you.

Sticks and Stims said...

hey mo - i can now be found at meinsideout.wordpress.com

Me said...

The quote at the top of my blog - that's written on a plaque that hangs in my office. Reading it helps me remember.

Just Caz said...

I'm sorry your going through this terrible journey.. but can I say its so nice that you have each other.. and that you always will no matter what.

I think its great your spreading your eggs across the US, best not to keep them all in one basket because your right you never know if something could be missing.

KimboSue said...

You have an awesome attitude towards the Beast that is IF. Good luck with your meetings and may one of those RE's make your dreams come true!
ICLW

Parenthood For Me said...

Sounds like you a great perspective on your situation.
Sorry things are so difficult. I think getting all those opinions is very smart. At least you have options in your back pocket.
Please check out my non profit if you get a chance. We need help spreading the word.
www.parenthoodforme.org
Erica
ICLW

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