It is still early days and we are both feeling fragile. But after two mental health days at the beginning of the week, I am back at work, and Will is beginning to perk up somewhat, too.
Today is a little bit better than yesterday. Yesterday is a little bit better than the day before. Looks like we're in the process of picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off, and taking stock of where we're at as a couple and the situation we find ourselves in. One. Foot. In. Front. Of. The. Other.
My RE has called me twice to speak by phone and has also been in email contact with us. We will see him in person tomorrow for a sit-down meeting. We feel that he is truly going the extra mile to be available and attentive, consulting with other doctors, speaking with us frequently, and squeezing us in so that we can meet quickly and not have to marinate in our grief and anxiety for too long without more information.
Will has been making fun of me a bit for this, but we've . . . ok, I've . . . also lined up meetings with the other best clinic in NYC and with another great clinic near the Rockies. We're unsure if we're keeping these appointments, but it is good to have them. Will says I'm aiming to spread my embryos across the United States. But to me, it is more about making sure there isn't something we're missing that could make the difference. Mostly because I don't ever want to have regrets about our decisions now should we have a poor outcome. And also, of course, because I want to maximize our chances of a good outcome.
Here's a quote I recently taped to my computer at work:
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems
don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the
best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next." -Gilda Radner
The infertility journey continues to challenge me to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty. Not my strong suit. But hopefully I'm growing into it.
We certainly have no idea what is going to happen next. But we're going to hang in there - and try to take each moment as it comes - on the journey to finding out.