The second meeting for the support group occurred last night. A truly nice group of women. They are all much more at the place of deciding on adoption/donor egg than I am. Three of them are already pursuing donor egg/adoption and the other one is more where I'm at, except really, really feeling that her treatments won't work.
As I sat there last night, I was thinking about how it has been great to meet this group of women and to have a place to talk and learn about all the paths available. At the same time, I was realizing that it must inevitably shape my perception of my chances and what lies ahead. Between starting this group and that mindblowing second opinion, I've had a lot to chew on mentally and emotionally for the past few weeks. Much of it not very hopeful. In fact, I have begun to grieve the loss of the idea that we will ever have a biological child.
I go in Thursday for the co-culture biopsy and will see my RE. And I expect him to be his chipper, optimistic self about all this. Funny thing is, I feel like I've traveled a great distance from where I was at when he and I and Will last met and he said he thought we had a great chance.
And yet nothing has truly changed.
My prognosis is the same as it was a few weeks ago - good or bad. My chances remain the same. It feels truly surreal to be going in to IVF #4 with the sense that it won't work and we will go to Colorado (More realistically, it feels like it might work, but overwhelmingly isn't likely to.)
So that's what I'm trying to wrap my head around today. How my perspective on all this has inexorably changed, and yet nothing has changed externally in our situation.
There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension
as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between
light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit
of (a wo)man's fears and the summit of (her) knowledge. This is the dimension of
Science and superstition? The space between fear and knowledge?
Sounds like the elusive and yet all-too-real IVF Twilight Zone.