Reading over Mo's reflections on doing IVF again, I realize that there are major differences - both good and bad - this time 'round. I am not blase about this IVF cycle, but experiencing a healthy dose of apprehension about getting too excited. For this next IVF, I am cautious, but for the long-term, I know - and definitely have more confidence than Mo - that eventually we will be fortunate to have a child and that child will be a true treasure in our lives.
Mo mentioned that yesterday marked one year since our first miscarriage. To be honest I would not have known that unless she told me. I felt ashamed when she reminded me, maybe because I think we should both be thinking the same thing.
This brought me to reflect on the entire year. It has been extremely tough on both of us, with plenty of surprises. As was alluded in our first post, we coped with our loses as well as major changes in our jobs in very different ways. While this was not the first time I saw my wife cry, it was the first time that I had absolutely no idea how to make it better (as if that was my job, to somehow cure the pain). This was also the first time that I felt such utter loss. It seemed quite logical at the time to have a drink when I came home to relax. Unfortunately one drink quickly became two and so on. This absolutely pathological coping mechanism had the insidious character of carpenter ants. At first it just seems like there are just one or two, but before you realize it, the entire structure is infiltrated, jeopardizing its very integrity. If there is a silver lining, I am fortunate to have such a loving and caring wife who quickly found the best help possible for me. And now I feel that I am a much better husband. Mo's response to my selfishness has been nothing short of a blessing. Not the way I would have chosen it, and certainly the last thing my wife wanted or needed to handle.
So, yes, this time feels much different than a year ago. We have grown a tremendous amount. What a steep learning curve for our first year of marriage! I feel in some way we escaped from a burning building only to realize that we - thankfully - still have each other. I am optimistic and quietly excited to re-enter the IVF arena with Mo. This time I will be with Mo in every way possible.
Thanks to everyone who has visited - and especially those who have left comments. Please keep coming back. Also, Mo found out late today that she will be starting Lupron suppression Wednesday. Her persistent telephone calls evidently wore down the insurance folks and the meds will arrive tomorrow. Somehow it all works out, even if she doesn't believe it will.
2 hours ago