Thursday, May 31, 2012

90% good, 10% fear


Sorry for the lack of updates recently. I've been traveling a lot for talks and otherwise swamped with work on top of being fairly exhausted. Sleep is getting tough. I hope it is not a harbinger of what the remainder of this pregnancy will be like. I am uncomfortable. My legs are restless and achy. My back has started to hurt sometimes at night. Which all translates to me getting through my busy days and travel as best I can and then trying to take it easy when I can.

Today marks 18 weeks, 5 days. Wowza. I can't believe we are still pregnant. That time is still passing. I show my stomach to Will almost every night, with the question/comment - "Can you believe this?!" He just smiles at me and says it's amazing.

It is feeling more real. I am able to hold the idea that we might actually have a baby on one hand, and simultaneously hold the possibility that we could lose her at any time. I was worried I wouldn't be able to imagine a good outcome at all, so being able to hold both outcomes seems like a step in the right direction.

Ninety percent of the time, I'd say I'm able to hold the good and imagine we will have a living child. We talk like this, that this child will have a name, and have a room, a future in our family, etc. Which is good, but also strange-feeling.

And then 10% of the time, I'm afraid. Sometimes deeply afraid. I've had lots of uterine sensations this week. I usually feel something once or twice a week, but this week it's been pretty much every day at some point. Sometimes just an odd feeling, sometimes a uterine tightening. Sometimes a stabbing vaginal pain, although that's been momentary. It's been hard not to get scared that something is wrong. That my cervix is giving way, that something is wrong with the baby. So I went in this week to get checked. Baby looked much the same as last week, slumped over with the weight of her ginormous, heavy head. The OB checked my cervix also, and she said it was fine. So that was reassuring, although I am still a little nervous.

This is the way things are right now. Trying to take an acceptance stance. Not judge myself. Just get reassurance when I need it. Take things one day at a time. Let myself a little more and a little more, imagine a positive outcome.

As far as we know, all continues to go well. Edging closer and closer every day. Hoping for the best.

Mo

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36 comments:

Brenda said...

So glad things are going so well for you!! I know what you mean by the fear sneaking in. I refused to get a crib for the boys until I was probably 7- 8 months pregnant, because of that fearful 10%. Here's to taking it one day at a time! Each day gets you that much closer to your take home baby!! :)

theelusivesecondline said...

I think it is only natural to have that 10% fear given all that you have gone through. But the fact that you are able to imagine a good outcome is great! I know I for one imagine one for you as well. Every update brings me joy because I love to see that this is really happening for you. Glad you are doing well and looking forward to hearing more about baby girl!

Becky said...

Glad to hear from you and especially that things are still going well! Considering everything, I'd say a 90/10 split is pretty damn good!

babyinterrupted said...

10% fear sounds pretty reasonable to me. I'm guessing I stayed around that mark myself, and the truth is, it didn't go away after she was born. Then I just worried about other things (I think maybe I was so used to child-related-anxiety that I didn't know how to exist without it). So I imagined the fear like a monster under the bed (not an awful one, more like a Monsters, Inc. one) and I told it that the two of us would have to learn to live together and as long as it stayed in its place in the corner, we could survive together. And it gradually shrank a bit smaller, which was good.

Here's to the joy crowding out the fear. :)

Anne said...

glad you're still doing good! have you told everyone else yet??

Marie said...

I think all the sleep interruptions during pregnancy are somehow there to prepare you for no sleep once your little darlin' shows up! Glad you are doing well Mo!

TeeJay said...

I think you are doing a great job of trying to balance the fear with the hope. It's not an easy thing to do given your history. You have come so very far this time. Both physically and emotionally. I hope that things keep going well for you. I'm pretty optimistic for you at this point. :-)

MyTwoLines said...

I am sure it is a tough balancing act--but 90/10 is pretty good! Just go one breath at a time...TODAY you are pregnant with an amazing little girl!

Melissa G said...

I know it's terrifying. Especially with everything you've been through.

I lost track of your blog a while ago, and am so thrilled to see you're doing so well now. Sending warm, and happy thoughts your way for that 10% of the time.

Deana said...

So glad things are going so well! I think things are going to get easier in a few weeks when she starts moving regularly. Hopefully she will be active so that you will get constant reassurance throughout the day! :)

It Is What It Is said...

I think 90-10 is a good ratio and am so glad you've found your way to it. I'm 9 weeks behind you with a whole lot of reason to still worry but I take it one day at a time, knowing whatever happens (or doesn't) is out of my control. Doing much better with that this pregnancy than with my pregnancy with my son.

Keep it up, one day at a time. So good to hear from you.

Learn2pivot said...

Mo, I have been following your blog for years! I took a hiatus from blogging as my days of TTC are over... along with my marriage, but when I saw that you were pregnant I literally cried! I am so happy for you and I have everything crossed for continued health of your baby! So happy for you!!! Truly.

ks said...

Soon your going to be sure some of what you feel is movement! It's the strangest most awesome feeling in the world!! I'm so happy for you and Will!
All my best!

gwinne said...

90/10 sounds damn good to me. And, yeah, it makes sense that sometimes that 10% takes on even more weight.

All those aches and pains sound pretty normal, albeit annoying. I know I had weird vaginal stabbing pain...there's some major nerve that runs from the vagina into the leg and mine went numb in the 3rd trimester on occasion.

I'd recommend yoga for back pain; there are some good prenatal yoga DVDs out there, if you're not up for a class...

I'm just thrilled for you, Mo!!

Eb said...

I had the same feelings. As I got larger and my body had to rearrange itself I freaked out.

I hope you get to take it easier - rest rest rest was my doctor's mantra.

Rub your belly for me ;-)

Anonymous said...

Awe, I would love a sweet belly pic !!

Chickachick said...

I'm so damn happy for you.

Angela said...

I'm with everyone else 90/10 is good! I love the fact that you can refer to her as a her now! Almost half way there!!

Brave IVF Girl said...

Glad everything is going well, and I certainly understand the 10% fear. I have about the same ratio, and I've had 2 miscarriages.

One day at a time!

Pie said...

10%? I'll take it. Ya know, you are getting to the point that you should begin to feel the baby move soon, if you haven't already. Just be ready for feeling odd sensations of movement all the time!

Anon said...

SO thrilled for you -- and impressed with your ability to tame your fears! You might consider additional iron supplementation for restless legs (consult the OB first, of course!).

Anonymous said...

mo, i don't mean to scare you, but the 90/10 thing continues on beyond 40wks... i think it is a part of being IF and RPL. and its totally OK and healthy and to be expected. at least, this is what i have found. maybe as the time goes on, it gets to be more like 95/5 or even better than that...
i am so happy you are so very pregnant and your baby is doing so well. i bet you are beautiful! i bet will is totally in love with the two of you right now :)

take it easy! thanks for the updates, too.

Life Happens said...

You never stop worrying, even after the baby is born. As mothers, we naturally worry about our children.

I hope work will slw down a bit for you. Keep smiling at that baby bump!

Alexicographer said...

Add me to those saying 90/10 sounds pretty calm, really. Lovely to see this post, glad you were able to get checked and that she is looking well.

Andrea said...

Mo, I am 2 days behind you and have been feeling very similiar. Twangy girl parts, stretchy/achy uterus, hard to sleep, sore back. It's all normal. As is feeling 10% (or more somedays) worried. Unfortunately that is just part of being a Mum and doesn't ever go away. Like another commenter I didn't get my son's (he's now 18 months) room set up until 3 weeks before he arrived and I've not been through anything like you have. You are doing great - hang in there!

Nissa said...

Yay!!!! :-)

aryanhwy said...

This probably in no way helps ameliorate the 10% fear, but those uterine twitches? Absolutely normal. You've got to forgive your uterus for complaining as it expand to fit that enormously heavy head. :) Sharp stabbing pains too, these are all things that are normal for this part of pregnancy.

And normal = yay.

Katherine said...

Um, those uterine sensations, some are from the rapid growing, but at 18 weeks, some might actually be flutters and kicks! 18 weeks was when I felt my first flutters and then a thump.
(Warning, you're still a ways off from feeling baby regularly or even daily - so try not to panic on that one too soon.)

As for feeling terrified 10% of the time. That is ok. You don't have to force the fear away. It is ok if you don't bond while pregnant. Baby won't even notice.

Lydia said...

So glad that things are going well and you are feeling relatively positive.

I started feeling goldfish flutters in my womb around 19 weeks. That might be what you are feeling, too.

Bionic Baby Mama said...

Sounds to me like you are doing amazingly well. Ninety percent! Impressive!

Amy said...

I'm glad you are happy 90% and that things are still going well!

Hate to break it to you...but chances are that Evil Crotch Pain will be around for the long haul. Mine started around 16 weeks and went through delivery. I'd stand up and have to brace myself for taking the first step as the crotch pain was intense! My little was firmly housed low in my pelvis most of my pregnancy and I felt it!

Hope your worries and the crotch pain begin to ease! ((HUGS))

Kristina said...

Cute image of you showing belly to Will and him smiling. :-) 19 weeks seems so significant and awesome. I agree that it seems normal to continue to feel a bit of anxiety - glad the ratio changing for the good. If I become a mom, I think I'll be what the call a "helicopter parent." ha!

Lacie said...

I think that your last few lines sum it up perfectly. You are doing great! I am so glad to hear how well things continue to progress.

Augusta said...

you're almost halfway through this pregnancy. It must be so surreal. I'm glad to read that the balance is shifting to 90% calm.

Emily Erin said...

Glad that the good is winning out over the fear. I echo a PP, I'd love to see a baby bump picture if you're willing to share...:-D

I also have to share my suggestion for sleeping-- it's twofold. Get a great maternity pillow (I loved my Leacho Back & Body pillow-- HUGE but so worth it!) and use it. Also, I stared at about 20 weeks doing hypnosis for childbirth and listening to my hypnosis scripts really relaxed me and helped me to fall asleep. I don't know if that's your vibe, but even if you don't chose to use hypnosis for the birth, the ability to use positive visualization and release my fear on a nightly basis was a big help for me and the terror.

Hugs-- you're doing so well!

minta said...

Welcome to the world of honest to goodness, no shit pregnant! The trouble sleeping, restless legs and achy back are only gonna get worse :) I think it's how nature gets us to want to have the baby. The fear... never goes away. When G was first born I had terrible fears of finding him lifeless in his crib, or of his car seat sliding into the road. Now that he's bigger I still fear him dying in his sleep, or falling or getting out of the house. It's all the same fear of losing the little one I love so much. It might be worse for us RPL'ers, but I think every mama goes through some version of The Fear.

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