Friday, April 20, 2012

Telling (parts 2 and 3)



On Easter Sunday, we told Will's sister that we are pregnant (a little over 11 weeks pregnant). She was hosting the whole family, but we went over briefly several hours early to be able to break the news before her preparations were in full gear. She was very happy for us - and gave Will a huge hug, which was nice. When Will went outside to play with our dog Moxie and her sons, she said she knew I must be very nervous, but that I would start to feel better as time passed, in particular once we got to 23 weeks. I nodded, but inside, I was thinking - 23 weeks! I won't feel better at 23 weeks! It would be very dangerous - maybe fatal - if the baby came then!! I'll feel better maybe around 28 weeks, when if the baby comes it stands a high chance of being ok!! But this didn't seem constructive, or even really her point. So I kept it to myself. She also started comparing me to other women who in her mind have struggled. I'm not sure why she did this. We weren't even talking about the pain or difficulty of anything. This was a happy news moment. And then unfortunately her examples of women who struggled didn't go over so well with me. One example was one of Will's cousins. Poor woman has four kids but hasn't been able to conceive another despite her desire to do so. I do feel bad for her...some...but it's not really the same thing. Her other example was someone else who conceived her first child accidentally, but now had had a miscarriage and had already spent six months trying to conceive her second. I felt myself wanting to say something. Wanting to say how these women aren't like me at all - how it's different when you have spent five years doing many IVFs, have six miscarriages under your belt, and zero children, and are at the stage you are thinking you aren't ever going to have any. But what would have been the point of that? She was trying to...trying to...well, I'm not sure, really. But saying something wouldn't have helped. I know she only meant good things.

We also told my mom on Easter morning. I had sent her a framed picture of one of my ultrasounds. I knew from package tracking that it had arrived on Saturday AM. I'd wrapped the frame and put a note on it that said to call me before opening... but no call came... so come Easter morning, I called her. We chatted for a bit and then I asked her about the package. Package? She didn't know what I was talking about. Hmmm...she said, maybe she should check the front porch. And lo and behold, it was there. She opened it, and then started making strange noises. She wasn't able to speak really. Finally she said my name, and Oh! several times. She said this was such a surprise. She said she'd been hoping for us and wondering, but didn't want to pressure us by asking anything. She started to ask me if we'd gone to Denver for this...and then halfway through stopped herself, saying aloud, "It doesn't matter how you did this. This is just wonderful!" Good answer, Mom! She was just over the moon. It was wonderful to get to hear her excitement and enthusiasm. She is still that excited now...many days later. It makes me happy to hear her elation about this.

Mo

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50 comments:

katery said...

those examples are definitely not the same as not being able to conceive your first child. i'm sure it is hard when you are trying and can't conceive your 2nd, 3rd, or 4th child, but nothing is as gut wrenching as trying and not being able to conceive number one. congrats on your pregnancy!

glamcookie said...

Your mom's reaction is just perfect! I don't know why people feel the need to compare situations. Very strange. Second trimester tomorrow! WOOHOO!

Life Happens said...

Your mom's reaction reminds me of a funny home video I saw on t.v where the mother of the mother to be was so happy and ecstatic, she peed herself. It was priceless.

I wish you could have captured your mom's reaction on camera!

Anonymous said...

i think more of what your SIL was doing was trying to say things so that you would know that she understood this was difficult for you. its really hard for people to know what its like to be in your shoes, mo. i was in your shoes (or, a similar pair...), and when people started talking like that, i tuned it out. i kept their good intentions and ditched the rest.

i am so happy your mom is feeling in the joy of seeing her daughter pregnant.

things are moving along! all these viability milestones are out there, looming in the distance, but what we want is a full term pregnancy that ends with a healthy baby for you and will... nothing else! one day at a time. youre doing so good.

sprogblogger said...

So happy you're telling, and SO happy your mom knew exactly what (not) to say. Delighted that she's so very happy for you.

You going to be around May 4th/5th/6th? We're headed to town and I'd love to see you.

Pale said...

I just have to say ... it is a very satisfying thing to read this post ... where you get to share your wonderful news ... knowing the hard road you've taken and how far you have come. One of the great blog following pleasures. Even though I know caution is the watch word of your days, we can't help but feel the sun on your face and feel so very glad for you.

Sorry about your SIL. Ug. She doesn't get it. But we do. That helps ~some.~ I wish it was easier to walk the ugly, frail line between educating others in a postive way and still making the point in a way that keeps us whole on the inside as well as the out. I don't know too many people who can make the necessary calculations in that nano-second you get ... walk that razors edge ... and have it come out just right, land just right. That's a super power I'd like to possess. All you want to do is just whack that dog with a rolled up newspaper (ON the paper, ON. the. paper!!) -- not a very helpful impulse, but there it is.

On the one hand, I'm not sure why we worry so much about the feelings of people who are blundering around. On the other hand, I've ~been~ that person ... the one who didn't understand what she didn't understand ... probably dozens (?) of times (hopefully mostly when I was younger and dumber?). Sometimes I've realized ... either in the moment or after the fact (and oh, the horror, ykwim) ... the older I get, hopefully I realize in time to save us both, right? At the end of the day ... I guess I would prefer that friends and loved ones at least TRY to make a connection ... rather than fear the attempt and leave everything superficial (unfortunately a large number of family connections are far from the ideal soft-place-to-fall ... the superficial ones sting just as bad as out and out terrorists, jmo). It's just a bitch that so many people never quite master the art of not saying too much (I should take my own advice!;)) ... there must be dozens of pithy quotes to that effect ...
XXOO

Lydia said...

Your mom sounds so lovely. I teared up a bit hearing that story. So happy for you.

Reagan and Trevor's Mommy said...

Oh how wonderful! Your mom's reaction made me cry! :-)

Jen said...

Oh wow! Your Mom's reaction is just priceless and very well said!

It Is What It Is said...

Having others share their unbridled joy for your unbridled joy is one of the joys of pregnancy.

Your mom's reaction was exactly as it should be...your SIL's, not so much. I fail to see what good she meant by trying to draw comparisons when the situations couldn't be more vastly different. I mean, seriously? I don't know what comes over people.

IVFlygirl said...

Wishing you the very best...hope you get to tell more and more people when the time is right.

Hapa Hopes said...

I loved loved loved reading about your mom's reaction. As for the SIL, I think sometimes people just get diarrhea of the mouth and can't make it stop.

Anonymous said...

I think Pale hit the nail on the head. SIL was trying to make a connection. Certainly, after all you've been through, you are more than entitled to be DONE being patient with people's bumbling good intentions...but I don't think she meant anything heartless as others have suggested. Sometimes when people are uncomfortable but trying not to be, they say unhelpful things. I think she wants to be a part of this and acknowledge how much you've suffered to get to this point, but doesn't know any TRUE comparisons, because, well, you've been through a LOT.

Kate said...

How wonderful to be able to share such an incredible moment with your mom!

Brave IVF Girl said...

So happy you're able to have these moments (yes even the awkward SIL one. :)

And I love your mom's reaction.

Kristin said...

Your mom's reaction made me smile...and, at least your sil tried.

Let There Be Sims said...

I just love your moms reaction. Made me tear up and recall my moms reaction a few weeks ago. I love it!,

jenicini said...

Good job for recognizing your SIL's conversation for what it was - good intentions, failed delivery. You are kind to just let it pass. :)

Your mom's reaction. That's just sweet and everything a future grandma's reaction should be like. :)

DandelionBreeze... aka NYMum said...

So so happy for you... love your mum's reaction :) Your good news has inspired hope in me again :)) xo

mrkhmusings said...

your mum's reaction was beautiful, so touching. congrats! keep believing :)

missohkay said...

I don't understand why people have the reaction of your SIL either, but it seems to be the case all. the. time. It's like when people are compelled to tell me about how so-and-so got pregnant right after they adopted :/ Your mom's reaction was so sweet.

Jules said...

Over from ICLW, and just wanted to send a HUGE congrats! We too are expecting, after a 3 year battle with infertility. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy!

The Steadfast Warrior said...

Awww! Love your mom's reaction. So lovely! :)

myfertilityjourney said...

What a sweet moment with your mom!!

Becky said...

Happy 2nd trimester!!!!!!!!

Hilary said...

Your mom sounds great...

Happy ICLW

Emily Erin said...

Welcome to the second trimester Mo! Here's to several more months of happy posts!

Anonymous said...

Unless you have struggled with fertility, you have no idea. That is what I've found on my infertility journey. I had a friend complain that it took her 4 months to conceive her child, knowing of my years and years of fertility problems. Upon reflection I thought that would be like a middle class person telling a homeless person they are broke! It's such a difficult and emotional journey.

CeCe said...

wonderful update! made me want to hug your mom!

well said by Pale.

Sara said...

That is a great way to break the news to your mum.

Here's to your second trimester.

Calling in from ICLW

x

Jen said...

I got a little teary reading about your mom's reaction (dang hormones, ha ha). Not sure what to say about the sister--in-law conversations except some people just don't get it.

danielletoendure said...

Hello from ICLW! So glad your mom was able to be the support you needed! I'll never understand why people need to constantly compare our lives and situations with those around them. If they don't know what to say, then they shouldn't say anything but just that or I'm so happy for you. Leave it at that! Take care!!!

Jem said...

Oh, Mo! Your description of your mom's reaction made me cry!!! Perfect!

Kristin said...

Hello! I'm here from ICLW. I debated coming "out" to the world based on comments like the ones you've described in your post. Today, I threw caution to the wind and posted on FB. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

~Maria said...

Visiting from ICLW....congrats on your pregnancy! And I'm absolutely on the your-mom's-reaction-is-awesome bandwagon. Couldn't be better! :D

ICLW #19

LisainSK said...

Ya hooo!!! So glad you are at the stage to tell your family!! My heart is so happy with your mom's reaction!!

tracysue said...

Stumbled upon your blog through ICLW, and can't wait to catch up on your journey. Congratulations, and I hope everything continues to go well!!

Shelley G said...

Congrats! And what a great way to tell your mother!

I had several people compare out struggle to conceive with theirs, or other people's similarly to your SIL. You handled it better than I did! I always bristled (and still do) when someone says they tried for 3 months and got so frustrated... :-/ I know no offense is meant, but it's still like comparing apples and couches. :)
H & H pregnancy to you! (ICLW)

RDR said...

Made me teary, love it when Moms make our day with being great!

St Elsewhere said...

I feel Will's sister was pretty awkward in processing the news...I hope this gets better.

And your mum's reaction is priceless!

Happy ICLW...

Chris and Joy said...

It's so wonderful that you can take such off putting comparisons and take away the real intention of her caring that this might be hard. It would be so easy to get angry and lose sight of that.
You may be preserving a relationship by doing this.
Your mom's reaction was beautiful and one you will replay forever. So thrilled for you that you are getting to enjoy this moment.

KT said...

Awww. What a cute reaction from your mom! Congratulations! :-)

Belle said...

Newbie here from ICLW - congrats on your BFP. It sounds like you have had quite the epic journey. I wish you all the best! Also, your mom deserves an award for saying that. Just perfect!

irrationalexuberance said...

The telling of your mom? Made me all weepy. So wonderful and so happy for you.
The sister? Sigh. I'd stew and then let it go.
And honestly, your mom more than makes up for it in wonderful relatives!

Jayton said...

just stopping in from ICLW ,congrats on ur pregnancy

Kami said...

I keep coming back to check in on you!!! I am so excited for you guys! My heart is overflowing! Have a wonderful day!

Kami

nurslouisa said...

A BIG YEAH! For your mom's reaction, how perfect that she opened it with you on the phone! As for your SIL I'm sorry, it sounds like she needed to normalize your experience to make it less scary for her. Blech but you're right saying something wouldn't have help.

newbie said...

Hello Mo dear! I'm hopelessly behind on my blog reading, what with the trip home and then getting walloped by a terrible cold. But I'm catching up now and have just read through the last set of posts you wrote - SO SO SO happy!! All good news!

It's funny, I am having fruit cravings like crazy too, and have trouble drinking enough water. I am now drinking a ton of apple juice and eating all manner of fruit. Must be a pregnant thing...I can usually only eat a couple of pieces of fruit before feeling done.

And I just told my parents and sister this last week about the pregnancy - it was so lovely to see their joy and surprise. It makes this seem so real.

Congrats congrats congrats again on making it this far! Your little beauty seems to be jumping around for joy in there, so adorable!

modernmedicinemiracle said...

Your mom's reaction is wonderful, and it makes me so happy for you. I hope that everything continues to go well for you and you are holding your sweet baby in your arms at the end of the year!

Heather said...

I have been reading more of your blog - wow you have been through so much. So just getting to this point is just wonderful. I am so glad for you that your mom reacted so well to the news, and that is such an amazing way of telling her. I am so incredibly happy for you, and may all proceed smoothly from here. :)

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