Our cleaning woman came this morning and told me she'd had a dream about me and Will. (Yes, I'm embarrassed to say, but we are lucky enough to have a cleaning woman.)
She dreamed that she came into our second bedroom (which over the past five years has more and more taken on the look of an office/ second bedroom/ sometimes storage space), and that Will was decorating a nursery.
He was decorating a nursery, she said, because we were going to have a little baby girl.
Cue me speechless.
Thinking about it, it is likely not a complete mystery to her that we are pregnant. The pregnancy books on my nightstand and my multiple medications, for example, might be a tip-off. But that said, she's unknowingly weathered at least four or five of the last seven pregnancies (I think she wasn't our cleaner for the first three...)...and this is the first dream report. And as she was talking, I wondered if in her culture dreams are taken as more significant - as actually foretelling the future - than they are in mine. I'm not sure for her specific culture, but I wouldn't be surprised.
She knows Will's entire family very well. She was a live-in nanny for his older brother's family in Far East Asia for several years and then in the U.K. with them for a few more years as well. They helped her immigrate to the states when they returned after a number of years abroad, but don't need a full-time nanny any more, and so several members of Will's family have hired her to clean for them on a part-time basis. So...all that to say, she knows that between all of Will's siblings, they have nine sons and no daughters. It would be a very special thing if we were to have the first girl in a family already bursting with children.
Of course it would be a very special thing to have a living child of any gender. And everyone in the family is on board with that.
But anyway, very funny that she had this dream, and that she took the risk to tell me about it. We don't talk about it, but I'm almost certain she knows on some level the great difficulties we've had over the years. She's seen all the syringes and medications, books coming off the shelf about IVF and then going back on the shelf, pregnancy books doing the same, miscarriage books doing the same, pregnancy-after-miscarriage books doing the same...you get the idea (also perhaps that I use reading to cope with stress and loss!)
I like that she had this dream. That maybe, just maybe there is something different about this pregnancy. Something she too can sense. Something that will allow this baby to grow and go the distance.
Tomorrow at 10:45 AM brings the next visit with the wonderful OB and the next ultrasound. To say I am terrified doesn't even begin to touch how I feel. So hoping for good news. So steeling myself for devastation. Tomorrow will be 9 weeks, 4 days. We've never gotten that far before.
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