Tuesday, December 13, 2011

To bris or not to bris, that was the question

One of my good friends who was pregnant had her son last week and the bris was this weekend. It took place in another state, so we had every excuse not to go. This is my friend who has been so gracious about being pregnant while we are not pregnant and fear that we may never again be pregnant, so I knew she in particular would understand if we declined.

So I thought about it, and Will and I talked about it. He said he'd rather be shot in the head than have to go.

Ok, it was fairly clear how Will felt about it...

I, on the other hand, surprised myself by wanting to make an appearance and show our love and support. This woman is my closest friend from my PhD program. I wanted her to know we are happy for her, even as we ache for ourselves. And actually I thought a bris might be a fairly protected way to do this. There would be the buffer of a lot of people so I wouldn't have to interact too much if I couldn't handle it. If I started to cry during it, people would just think I was being sensitive to the pain of their little boy.

Also, on a level not about my friend, I thought it was important to go. As our infertility journey has gone on and on, we have shrunk away from so many friends who we used to enjoy seeing, stopped going to events that we used to participate in. As all of our friends have gone on to have children, we have become increasingly withdrawn, and increasingly sad. I wanted to try to go to this event, because it is the first of many milestone events for my friend with her son. And if I skipped this one, it would be easy to skip the next one, and then the next one, and then...before I know it, it will be much harder to break the pattern of avoidance and see this friend, keep her in our lives, not conflate my pain with her joy but rather try to let both exist - one not spoiling the other.

We ended up deciding to go, and I'm glad we did, even though it was super hard for Will. We made a weekend of it, finding a boxer-friendly hotel and staying overnight in this other city. For Will, though, seeing the grandparents there, and hearing the special prayers said at the bris for them, nearly brought him to his knees with the grief that his father will never meet our children, that he will not have his father's presence and support. This first holiday season is a difficult one without Will's father. Compounded too by our seeming inability to move forward toward building our family.

We both feel it was the right thing to go, but there is so much sadness and longing over here in the Mo and Will household. We can only hope for happier days ahead.

Mo

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29 comments:

  1. So hard. Thinking of you both.

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  2. Wow...I know that took a lot and your friend certainly appreciated it. You are stronger than me!

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  3. Way to go, deciding to attend. I have to say, you are brave. I have managed to avoid going to a bris my whole life, and I'm Jewish!

    Hang in there :)

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  4. Lovely of you to have gone, hard as it was.

    Hoping for happier days ahead for you two, too.

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  5. I'm not sure if I've ever commented, but I know I've wanted to. Your grief is so familiar. We too have withdrawn from friends and have become rather sarcastic when confronted with invitations. It's just our way of coping, I guess. Good for you for making an effort by supporting your friend. Thinking of you and Will.

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  6. I remember all the events like that I had to go to before finding success. All I can say is that you are BRAVE and CLASSY to find a way to support and celebrate other peoples' happiness. Way to go!

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  8. I'm glad you guys were able to go and enjoy some aspects. I'm sure it meant a lot to your friend.

    I will be keeping you in my thoughts as you face this holiday season without Will's dad, and while you still grapple with how to build your family.

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  9. You and Will have such tremendous inner fortitude and grace -- once again you blow me away. I know the pain of knowing that your parent will never meet your child, whether you have the child already or are still hoping for one, and I am so sorry that Will and you have that pain on top of the intense sadness and longing. Im hoping that happier times are ahead for you.

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  10. I'm impressed! And your description of the "sadness and longing" still resonates. I don't have to dig very deep to remember how hard the last several Christmases were.

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  11. Big hugs! You are very brave to have gone. I'm glad you and Will are still so tight and supportive of each other. You'd better win the IF battle, and soon! Some child will be so lucky to have you as parents.

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  12. Mo, you are so brave and honorable for attending. I totally agree though...the more we say 'no' the more we slip away into that isolating RPL bliss. While we seek comfort in that spot, sometimes...maybe...we perpetuate that isolating cycle.

    So proud of you for going. I'm sure that your friend was very touched that you both were able to come, given all of the circumstances in your lives.

    Hang in there. Sending you lots of strength to continue to wade forward.

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  13. Knowing it is the right thing to do doesn't make it any easier. It does take strength (and love for your friend) to even consider going. It is still hard for me, even after success, to attend some of these functions, but you're right that it gets easier to say no once that door has been opened.

    Many hugs to you both.

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  14. You both are so strong. Making that step to engage...it means a lot. I'm sure it meant a lot to your friend.

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  15. Glad you were able to go--for yourself & for your friend, but I"m sorry it was so very hard for Will. Thinking of you both a ton right now, it was so good to see you, but just left me wanting more Mo-time.

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  16. I am totally impressed that you both went. I know how much strength and courage that took, and how painful it must have been.

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  17. So many events are easily overwhelmed by that sadness and longing. Being able to enjoy the event while recognizing the pain is an amazing thing to have achieved. My heart goes out to you.

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  18. I admire your strength...those types of events are very challenging. Struggling with infertility and having to attend many brisses over the years (I'm Jewish) makes it very hard-it's like a punch to the gut. As hard as it is, you won't regret it.

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  19. During one of the hardest part of my infertility journey I actually hosted a friend’s baby shower. It was really difficult for me to host her baby shower but it was my way of telling myself that I was still functioning through it all. I just kept thinking, it I throw one for her than she’ll throw one for me. It was like somehow hosting the shower made it more likely that I would one day have a baby too. Wow, infertility can really make us a little crazy and desperate for a little normalcy.

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  20. My heart aches for you and Will. I'm thinking of you both and sending love and ((HUGS))

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  21. I know exactly how you feel, we had 7 miscarriages before we were blessed with a beautiful daughter this past July.....Don't give up!!

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  22. What a mitzvah! I was unable to go to my nephew's bris last weekend, and I felt really guilty...I didn't want it to look like the bitter infertile couldn't be bothered. SO being able to go and doing so is really big of you.

    May it bring you blessings!

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  23. As always, you show yourselves to be strong and classy folks. I know that it meant a lot to your friend that you were there for this important occasion. Please hug Will extra tight and assure him that *when* the time comes, his father will be there in spirit; I know that my mama was present in both of my daughter's births-- my youngest was born 5 years after she died on the day. I'm not trying to say that it's the same, it's not, there is no day that I don't wish a little bit that she were here, but in the big moments (and sometimes in the small ones too), she shows that she's still present and sending love. Again, I admire your courage and grace and I am holding strong hope that 2012 will be a very different year for you in wonderful ways.

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  24. Mo, I am hoping for happier days ahead for you too - and very soon! It was brave of you to go to the bris, and I pray for the day when you can do those things without any reservation, just joy.

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  25. I think it's great that you went but so sorry for the sadness, especially your husband's. My husband's father died this year, too...I can only imagine how painful it was have that loss brought up in that way...
    Hugs...

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  26. I ache for you both.

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  27. I'm very impressed that you and Will attended the bris. That takes a lot of strength.

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