Tuesday, November 22, 2011

And the psychologist sez...


Will and I met today with a NYC psychologist who specializes in infertility to discuss using my sister as an egg donor. We wanted to get a sense of  the issues we should make sure to consider that we might be overlooking.

We really liked this psychologist. Were impressed by her (and as a fellow psychologist, I can be sometimes be a tough sell). She was a good mix of smart and practical and just empathic enough without overdoing it, and she kept us on track when we started to veer.

Her bottom line was fairly simple, and she stated it a few times in case we were slow learners.

She said emphatically that barring a substance abuse issue or major mental illness in my sister, using my sister as our egg donor is an ideal next step, a potential solution to the very tough situation we find ourselves in.

She reiterated variations on this theme a few times throughout the meeting. That assuming that my sister is on board with this idea (and my sis is downright enthusiastic), and assuming Will is ok with it (he is), this is a wonderful, wonderful option.

How nice to hear. I'd half expected to hear the creaking sound of Pandora's box opening and of us being faced with cold, hard issues we'd somehow missed in our exhaustive attempts to think through every nook and cranny of this decision.

But no. The psychologist said it sounded really good (even with our faults and my sister's imperfections). And that it shouldn't substantially change our relationship with my sister.

Her take home message was that my sister's ability to donate eggs to us would be a gift, an amazing gift. And one that we might need to work a little harder on just learning to receive and say thank you for, rather than analyzing it and then analyzing it some more.

The psychologist gave us permission to stop all of the second guessing as well as my specific tendency to think I need to decide for Will and me and also somehow decide what's best for my sister, too.

The psychologist offered to meet privately with my sister when she's in town sometime and then meet with the three of us to discuss again as a group if we wanted. But basically, she gave us the psychologist's version of her blessing.

Still processing this, but generally it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Like we've been given approval to go ahead, and that I will not harm my sister by accepting her offer, or scar my child, or any other negative and scary outcome.

Feels like a big relief to get an expert's opinion that yes, this makes sense, that yes, it is a good idea.

Now let's just hope Marina can pass through the gauntlet of testing that faces her and come out the other side successfully.

Here's hoping.

Will and I at the psychologist's...
Can you guess who is who?


Mo

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56 comments:

  1. That's great news. I think it's amazing that you potentially have this option...

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  2. Oh, Mo! Might this be THE path to get you your baby? What an amazing thing! Fingers crossed that this is it!

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  3. Yay! Very glad you got the go-ahead from someone you can trust. Thinking of you all tonight & hoping the remaining testing goes by quickly, easily, and is passed with flying colors.

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  4. This sounds fabulous; I admit it hadn't occurred to me that you needed "permission" but described as you put it, it makes sense (as a feeling rather than an abstract absolute ... please note I am not saying *I* think you need permission from an "authority;" I don't. But regardless of the abstraction, I get that you were feeling you needed this and am glad the psychologist you saw offered it. Er, talk in circles much? I'll sign off now before I get fully tangled in a knot but I hope you understand what I mean!).

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  5. Oh, yay! As someone who almost didn't go the DE route because we DIDN'T have a close relative to donate, I am delighted that you got the reassurance you needed for this to feel like the wonderful option that it is. Hope the path seems clearer and brighter from here.

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  6. That's great news! Sounds like this appointment really helped reassure you that you're going down the right path.

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  7. Woohoo! Sometimes the easy answer may just also be the right answer. Simply lovely :)

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  8. Glad you got the feedback you needed from a source you trust. I was kind of thinking that you were really over-analyzing and should just be thankful for your sister and move forward with her donation, but I'm not in your shoes and didn't want to opine.

    Wishing all three of you the best as you move forward!

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  9. Sounds like a great plan! As I have already told you we considered using my sister. It all came down to timing issues but sounds like the best choice!!!

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  10. This much be such a relief and so encouraging. I hope that if this is the path that is intended to lead you to the child you are meant to have, that there are no hiccups along the way.

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  11. As a therapist myself, I can also be a tough sell on things like that. Good luck and happy ICLW!

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  12. I'm so glad there's good news.

    The sun seems just a little brighter right now :)

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  13. I'm so glad there's good news.

    The sun seems just a little brighter right now :)

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  14. So glad that you guys have gotten the reassurance that you needed. hoping for smooth sailing up ahead

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  15. I considered using my sister too but for reasons we decided not to and at this time I am glad because she's newly divorced and that just added a huge barrier to the whole relative DE dimension. But no matter what...if it feels right to YOU...then its right. Fingers crossed she'll sail through CCRM's rigourous screening. Gosh...you need a break and soon. Praying your sister's donation is the ticket outta here!

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  16. hoping your good news only brings more good news!!
    best of luck to you!
    xoxo
    iclw

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  17. Praying hard that she sails through testing and that your happy ending is on its way. If things go well when might you be able to cycle with your sister's eggs?

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  18. I just wanted to say the minute I saw your blog title, I knew I would love it. Amazing!

    Happy ICLW week!

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  19. I'm so glad the visit with the psychologist went well. I'm glad she made you feel better about using your sister as a donor. I found seeing a therapist before proceeding with using DE to be extremely helpful & validating! Let's hope your sister passes the screening process & you can get things going soon!

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  20. This is awesome! I'm so glad you got this enthusiastic, unbiased, expert opinion. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the sister-donor thing, but that's because of my screwy relationship with my sister. So glad to hear that this feels like a huge weight off your shoulders. You have been carrying a heavy emotional load for a very long time. Your shoulder's must be killing you! ;-) xoxo

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  21. Hi, here from ICLW. I think it sounds great that a) you have the opportunity to have eggs donated by a person so closely related to you and b) that you could talk it through with someone who helped you sort your thoughts and feelings on it - with the result that you feel comfortable doing so. I'm definitely rooting for you guys!
    And I find the entire concept of egg donation very intriguing - here in Germany, it's illegal. And I definitely understand why it is so - but as someone struggling with infertility myself, I also mourn this opportunity.

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  22. Wow! So amazing! I hope things move ahead smoothly for you!

    Happy ICLW!

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  23. Happy ICLW! Wow what an amazing gift from your sister! Wishing you the best of luck through this journey! :)

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  24. That's so great that you have that option! Personally I find shrinks very validating. They just make you feel better about what you already know.

    @StolenEggs - ICLW#82

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  25. So happy that this has confirmed what appears, by all accounts, to be a terrific way forward. I hope that this thanksgiving holiday you feel hopeful about your path forward.

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  26. Yay! Hope your sis passes the test with flying colours and you can move on to the next step soon.

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  27. What a great post - I am so happy that your psychologist gave you confidence that this is the right step. I hope your sister breezes through the process - it's time!

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  28. Thinking of you my dear friend as you embark on this new path. So happy you were able to get the "go ahead" from a psychologist. I can only imagine the questions that are swirling in your mind. Looking forward to following your story.

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  29. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  30. Keeping my fingers crossed that your sister passes all the tests. Sending good thoughts your way. Take care.

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  31. Here from the Blog Roundup. Love the picture of the brain and the heart. Your post resonates with me so many ways; the trying to think for everyone, having to learn to receive, needing to hear you have 'permission'.
    Thank you for writing, wishing you good luck.

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  32. He is the heart, and you are the mind?

    So glad that the psychologist reaffirmed it for you.

    May it all work for you.

    Good Luck!

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  33. I hope everything turns out for you!

    I'm subscribing and I hope to read some great updates in the future.


    Kayla
    (ICLW#111)

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  34. Good luck! (Are you the heart, your husband the brain and the psychologist the eye/)

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  35. What an amazing gift!! And even better that you've got the blessing!!!

    All the best!!
    ILCW
    #68

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  36. That is wonderful news! Here's hoping it all goes smoothly for you all!

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  37. That is definitely a great thing! I wish you the best!

    ICLW #46 Krystal

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