Saturday, June 11, 2011

To Molly and Caroline

We wanted to take a moment to respond here to your comments on Mo's last post, as you left no way to reply to you directly. We are not sure where you come away with the impression that we see adoption as “inferior” or “second best” to any other family building option. (Although clearly you see some choices as superior to others.)  

We are fortunate to come from large extended families that are multicultural and multi-ethnic.  Like many families today, these families have been built in numerous, creative ways. Many of our nephews and cousins came into this world the traditional way. Others came through alternative pathways: several through IUIs and meds, four by IVF, two through surrogacy, and two through adoption.  Luckily, all of the children are loved individually and it makes no difference how or when they came into our lives.  And we do not judge their parents as less than for whatever choices they have made to be able to have children.

Adoption isn’t a lesser choice. But we would also like to point out that surrogacy and egg donation aren't lesser choices either. And adoption, while a wonderful choice, is by no means an easy or certain path; we would strongly argue that it is not "easier" than medical interventions - just different. (Those who have pursued both, please feel free to chime in.) To clarify, we have not been considering combining egg donation with a gestational carrier – those are two separate pathways we have contemplated. But we know two couples who have used an egg donor combined with a carrier and we would never presume to judge them for this decision.

Mo's posts, we believe, reflect the fact that we are conscientious and careful in all of our choices.  It may not be evident to some, but for many reasons that have nothing to do with love, adoption is not the best option or may not be an option at all for a given couple.  It is a complex process for sure and one that we have thoroughly investigated. Some details are private.  

We appreciate everyone's support. It hurts to be misunderstood and even more so to have others jump to conclusions regarding our intentions in loving a child.  

Mo and Will


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54 comments:

Minta said...

Wow I just got done with your previous post and cannot understand how anyone could walk away from that in judgement. It's absolute bullshit that people in the position of having lost multiple pregnancies and considering some really hard options (if I've learned anything about infertility it's that all paths are fraught with peril, you have to decide which peril you are best able to cope with...) should have anyone else judge their decisions or decision making process.

I'm so sorry. I know the pain of losing many babies, but I can't imagine combining that with a lack of dx or clear cut plan. Please know that I think of you two often and sincerely hope that the right choice for you will present itself.

Barely Sane said...

I am so sorry you felt the need to defend your current feelings. Nothing about IF is easy and the entire journey to parenthood has so many life changing decisions to be made. Each one of us makes different choices for our own personal reasons and they are just that - personal. I happen to be an a-parent myself and faced a great number of heart wrenching decisions to get here. But I made them with little regard for what those on-line may or may not have agreed with. I based them on what was best for ME and MY family and I have no doubt you and Will will do the same.
I hope whatever decision you guys do reach, that those around you IRL, those that know and love you, will offer nothing but support. It's a tough slog and we get beat down enough as it is without hearing opinions based on only part of the story.
Hugs

Duck said...

Mind boggling.

Just had to go read their comments, I personally think it's the same person commenting twice. Have no idea where they got that idea, and as someone who worked with a surrogate and considered working wi an egg donor, I find it insulting.
I, personally did not and do not want to adopt because, at least here, there are open adoptions and I'm not interested in an open adoption, my opinion, my choice, nothing to do with having a perfect white kid(notice how they are assuming your white?).

I had plans and back up plans, it didn't mean that children that come from those back up plans are loved less, it means that your bloody infertile and infertiles need back up plans, those that don't, clearly are not infertile.

sprogblogger said...

Wow. I went & read the comments by "Molly" & "Caroline" -- troll much, ladies?

Didn't see anything in your post about adoption being an inferior option - shoot, didn't see anything in there to object to at all on ANY level. Some people just have to stir up trouble for the hell of it?

Blogs should be a place to receive support, not nasty comments by people who can't be bothered to actually read a post for what it SAYS and not what they're projecting onto it.

Sorry you had to deal with icky comments. Thinking of you.

Christa said...

There are lots of choices when building a family. Not all choices are right for everyone. For us, we would move on to adoption, but like you said, that doesn't mean we feel that embryo adoption or surrogacy is inferior. It's just not right for us. Do what feels right for you and screw what other people think. It's not their lives or their money

Jay said...

I also think its possibly the same person commenting under different names too, which makes it all the more pathetic. Some people get militant about an option because they have pursued it and hence believe it be superior to all others. I have no freaking clue where the 'white' comment came from, it made everything so much more out of line.

There is no right or wrong way to have a baby- at the end of the day, no matter how you have a child, its just ends up being a beautiful thing. But till we get to that blessed point, the journey is miserable, never ending and fraught with doubt, uncertainty and so much pain.

Sorry you had to have such nastiness on your blog and then have to take the trouble to respond, but that was a beautiful, restrained response. So much more mature than anything that would have come from me :-P

RB said...

I agree with Christa, however, if I'm being honest, I had the same thoughts as Molly and Caroline. As an infertility veteran (IVF, MC, Etc.), and now an adoptive mother, I did feel a little jab when you said adoption isn't for you. This blog isn't about me though, and I read it to follow your journey. I came to a point where I had to ask myself if I wanted to be a mother or experience pregnancy. I made the choice that was right for me, as you are doing for your family. I must say though that saying yes to adoption was the best decision we ever made, and the proof of that is napping upstairs. Wishing you peace whatever you decide.

Anonymous said...

Excellent answer to some awfully judgmental posts.
I read your last post, and totally echo what Kiera said - "Staying tuned, and praying that your turn is soon, that there is happiness at the end of this dark, lonely tunnel."
Praying for you and wishing you peace and parenthood!

Roccie said...

Dear Molly and Caroline,

Why don't you come over to my house and let me teach you some manners?


If your birth mothers could see you now....

Shame on you.



Dearest Mo and Mr. Will,

I thought my blood would boil when I read the comments, but instead I kind of laughed.

The world is full of losers. Just go to the DMV and tell me I am wrong.

I am delighted to hear from you, decided path or not. I admit I was a little worried but can I help it if my talents lie in worrying? What can I say, it is a gift.

Your calculations on your previous post break my heart too. It is too much time for such a lovely family to not have the babies at home with them.

All my best in whatever you do and however long your decision takes. Once it is made, let the rest FLY into place.

Erica said...

While I think Molly and Caroline could have been much more constructive and sensitive with their feedback, I do agree with "RB" that I also felt like there was some underlying current of "we only want a child that has some genetic tie to one us" in your previous post. Of course, yours is not my journey, and like you said, there may be relevant details you have chosen not to share with us, which is certainly your right! So, in light of those facts, I wish you peace and hope whatever your decision regarding building your family.

null said...

Oh you have to just blow those comments off. I'm sorry they hurt you, but don't let them get to you.

As you know, we went through a lot of treatment (not as much as you, but surgeries, five IVFs, one FET, two of those at CCRM), spent a lot of money, had a lot of heartache, and never achieved any pregnancy except one beta of 9 once. I put myself through a LOT, and when I think on it now I can hardly believe it. Of course, we gave up on ART and now we're in the ending stages of international adoption.

IA has been hard. Over two years. Lots of invasive stuff of the paperwork kind (vs. the medical kind). Lots of heartache as we grieve for our babies' loss of so much--birth families, culture, language.

BUT, it has also been amazing. Words cannot even begin to describe. And we are besides ourselves with joy over the way our family will be built.

I'm sure donor embryo, donor egg, surrogate--any of those options will have their heartache and grief as well as amazing moments too.

Donor anything wasn't an option for us, just like it sounds like adoption isn't for you. Plain and simple. We all have to decide what works for us. I think babies from donor will deal with some of the same types of issues as adopted children will, but that's what we hope, as loving parents who acknowledge all of the losses, can help our kids work through them (and I know that sounds trite, it's far far more than that, but it's a comment for heaven's sake, and already a long one at that!).

Sometimes being so open invites criticism, and it's a shame. Just focus on you and Will as only you know your own hearts.

Don't let 'em get you down!

MyTwoLines said...

Oh for Pete's sake, that's ME above (as Null). My hubs was logged into his Gmail account when I was commenting. Sheesh.

Laurie said...

De-lurking, though I have followed you for a long time and have hoped right along with you. It is clear from your posts you are deliberate, thoughtful, and meticulous in your decisions. (And were that way in your response too!) Whatever option you go with, I wish you nothing but the very best. As others have said, all we can do is make the decisions that are right for us, and it is no one's place to judge.

After a 4+ battle with infertility and a very high-risk pregnancy due to serious maternal health conditions, I can relate to people judging or second-guessing personal decisions, especially when they know very little about the inner details that go into these decisions.

Adoption is a wonderful option, and one we very strongly considered. But it isn't for everyone, and I also mean that in the sense that not everyone can go out and adopt. For some, it's finances. For others, parental illness can be a huge roadblock; I know this all too well. Of course there are other reasons, but for all those out there who are so quick to say "go adopt" (which makes my blood boil, and totally discounts how difficult a road that is for *all* parties), remember there is so much you don't know.

Nepsi said...

You response to those comments was much more tactful and professional than I would have been. I really don't get the just adopt crowd. I think these people have no grasp of the time, cost, and risk associated with it. I also take offense at the assumption that you don't want to adopt because you want a white child. I wouldn't even assume that you are both white in the first place. I suppose the world is full of judgmental, holier than thou people. Take care.

It Is What It Is said...

Bless you for even feeling compelled to respond to such uninformed and self serving comments.

I am an adult adoptee (as is my husband) and we have one son through IVF. We tried ART for a sibling without success and are now 6 months in to our adoption wait.

Adoption, in the US especially, is BIG business, much like ART. No one should ever have any illusions that one is "better than" the other; they are both paths to having and/or building a family.

Those who are self righteous enough to believe that adoption is a "calling" and therefore somehow the superior option are deluding themselves.

It's a shame that we've given air time to those that don't deserve it, but I hope you and Will feel supported as a result.

Anonymous said...

Another delurking, just to further the discussion on the thread--particularly in answer to those who wondered more politely why adoption wasn't an option for you. Or at least, answering why it wasn't an option for me, since I can't presume to speak for Mo and Will.

The thought of never having my own biological children devastated me in a way that shocked me. However, despite my yearning for a biological child, I never felt that loving a child not my own would be an issue. Emotions don't necessarily follow logic. Still, it would have been irresponsible of me to apply for adoption until I was done grieving for a hypothetical genetic child. To use Molly's term, an adopted child should never be viewed as 'the backup plan'.

A few other things that made me veer away from adoption (bearing in mind that my infertility journey was mercifully short thanks to ART): The invasiveness of the application procedure bothered me in a way that the physical invasiveness of IVF never did. The concern that the biological parents would always have some priority with the child--even if they were totally out of the picture, that's still something the child has to come to terms with and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle that.

A final point is that adoption should never be reduced to an infertility solution. It's a choice for every adult to make, whether they choose against having children at all or choose to have their own by the path of least resistance. While many infertile people do end up adopting, this is because we are often motivated to think about it more seriously than we would otherwise, but we have no more responsibility to adopt than any other person. Implying anything else really does make the adoptee nothing more than a 'backup plan'.

Heather said...

Well written post. Although you certainly didnt have to explain yourselves. The vast majority of us get it. And have been in the position of making some pretty tough choices ourselves. I applaud your honesty and wish you the best in figuring out what your next steps will be.

LisainSK said...

Here's my whole spin on the situation having had to make a choice on on an alternative treatment to be a mother...adoption, DE, DS, DEmb, surrogacy with donated gametes or own embs...they are all CALLINGS. I too was not "called" to be an adoptive parent. I don't know if I could be a surrogate parent...I for whatever reason was "called" or pulled to "DE" and it angers me that you are judged for thinking that anyone of those WONDERFUL options are inferior to whatever you decide. So plain and simple...you do NOT need to explain yourself to anyone EVER. Because none of this is easy. Nothing but support from me Mo and Will...

SassyMama said...

Ummmm. Yeah.
Don't even know what to say about said commenter on previous post. So I won't say anything.

Just sending my support to the two of you...:)

gwinne said...

I give you my support, no matter what you decide to do. When I was floundering about DE, my doctor said she'd have patients that spent 5+ years trying to get pregnant and then adopted or turned to DE and then said basically "why didn't we do that sooner." I know I couldn't have done DE any sooner than I did, and I also know that adoption was never an option for me, for many of the reasons others have mentioned. I think what I'm trying to get at is that we all have our breaking points, and we all have our solutions, however different they might be. I know you've been struggling...I can't even imagine it...but I also have read enough of your posts to know that you will figure out what's right for you, and when is right to do it. I'm with you.

Nadine said...

Anyone who read your previous post and interpreted it as being "negative to adoption"has not been through the pure total he'll that you have endured, countless miscarriages and for crying out loud cancer?! Piss off trolls.

I could not care less about genetics, but, adoption wasn't a real option for me,not about genetics, just about what I was capable to do, surrogacy yes, adoption no... But there are a lot lot lot of Judgemental people, even in the world of infertility, you say the word surrogacy and your a "crazed lady who needs to pass on her genes", truth is, your a woman who wants to be a mom, and surrogacy or DE or both will being you closer to that goal(I know so many people who are stil waiting to adopt, and it's been half a decade!)
My opinion of courses.
Lots of love mo!

R. said...

I chose DE and surrogacy and although we haven't officially done this route, we felt that it was the best decision at the time for US. None of the choices we IF couples have to make are easy, but they are all PERSONAL and no one can understand or judge.

Shame on the commenters for making you feel the need to justify yourself.

Caroline said...

Mo and Will,
First, I am not also "Molly", and I did not think my comment had the same tone as hers. Second, I am sorry that my comment hurt you. Truly. I understand that it came across as judgmental, but in all honesty it was from a place of confusion. You both seem so intelligent, articulate, considerate, that I just wanted to understand WHY a couple like you, who I presume will make great parents, would consider every single option out there other than adopting a child. Especially since I always assume a couple dealing with infertility just want to be parents. Am I wrong in assuming that? Granted you don't have to share all your reasons with the internet, but I asked b/c you do have a public blog about very intimate details of your lives.

Also, please understand that b/c of my own family's personal situation, when I come across a story of a great couple like yourselves who are desperate for a family, I always think of my own sister. And all the children out there like her. If my parents hadn't adopted her, where would she be? How would she have grown up? Would she have bounced from foster homes to group homes? I cannot imagine it or even bear the thought. So again, I apologize for seeming insensitive. I just wanted to understand your reasoning and brought it up b/c you do seem so open with the inner details of your situation. And for the record, I never mentioned your race (I have no clue what it is), when I am ready to start a family, I do 100% plan to adopt regardless of if I'm fertile or not (I don't just think it's something for infertiles to do) and also, my name IS Caroline.

Jenn said...

Great post!!! :) Let me set the background if you aren't familiar with my blog... I was adopted as an infant, and have a brother 7 years younger (also adopted, but different bio parents). My husband and I had 6 miscarriages, after 4 they tested and discovered I had MTHFR, did Lovonx injections, but still lost 2 more. We had all the genetic testing done, and many other 'high end' tests (our insurance was great, and covered it all!). Our last loss was February 2010. It took us several months to grieve/ decide to move on/ prepare for the new journey. In May of 2010, we started the process, and became Home Study ‘ready’ in November 2010. A few weeks later, we were matched, and December 30th, the little boy was born. His parents decided to parent, and so we had a failed match. We’ve ‘kept on trucking’ over the last 6 months, but not without a bunch of ‘what if’s’. Should we do a surrogate (a friend offered to do an IUI, use her egg and carry it), should we do donor eggs? Should we have kept trying? It won’t stop, I don’t think ever. Even if logically you know that you’ve exhausted a route (for us that was the theory of using our own egg/sperm and me carrying), I’ll always have the thought, “what if one more was what we needed… one more try”. I think that each couple needs to make the decision themselves. We all have our own paths, and just because my ‘best friends, little sister’s, brother in law’ did it one way, doesn’t mean that it’s best that way. It’s YOUR journey, and you and Will need to decide what’s best for you. I think if people come to you from a place of love and understanding, suggestions are welcome, but to condemn a couple for the way they process their choices of how to build their family has crossed a line!

Heidi said...

As a mother with one child conceived with my egg and DS and who is currently pg, after 5 years of treatment, conceived with DE and the same DS, I am flabbergasted at the judgement of some people. Who can judge what someone else has been through?
You have more support then you know, continue making your decisions for you.

Heather said...

Hi, Mo and Will,
Delurking like the others to reiterate my support and love. I'm sorry you found yourself in the position of defending YOUR choices. As a choice mom who achieved pregnancy through iui with donor sperm, I have never once regretted MY choice (and fortunately I've never had to defend it), and there is no question in my mind that each of us chooses as thoughtfully as possible what's best for us and our families.

The adoption story I'll never forget is that of one of my colleagues...she and her husband have survived THREE failed adoptions in which either the birth mother or another family member chose to raise the child instead. All this after my colleague had an involuntary surgery (she and her mother were told it was to repair a hernia) at the age of five. This surgery was performed 57 years ago by an unscrupulous doctor who believed he was doing society a favor (the mother was on public assistance with a lot of other children at home) by secretly sterilizing young girls whom he believed would continue to be a burden to society. Tragic and unthinkable, and later, three failed adoptions. I truly admire her strength, and she really seems to be at peace with it all now. No path is necessarily "easier" than another, just different, and chosen for a variety of very personal reasons. Your strength amazes me as well, and I wish you all the best as you make the best choice(s) for yourself and Will.

jenicini said...

Nicely said Will.

Mo is always so thoughtful and non-judgemental in her posts. I hate to see the crazies come out of the woodwork.

Hugs to both of you.

Flakymn said...

I'll tell you what I think ...

I'm a bio mom. I'm an adopted mom. I've done BOTH.

Adoption is NOT NOT NOT for everyone. There is nothing wrong with desiring a biological child. There is a reason that people have them. That people want them. That they don't just "adopt" instead of even TRYING for biological children.

Firstly, I don't think you saying it is not for you right now is anyway wrong. This is your stinkin' blog for crying out loud. If you aren't ready for them either now or ever, so be it.

It isn't like you can decide to adopt and you can. You have to APPLY. You have to qualify.

I personally find people who say, "ADOPT!" as totally out of line. Everyone's road to parenthood is different and it is NOT cut and dry.

Some of my dearest friends dealt or are dealing with infertility. And they will say right to my face, "We aren't ready to adopt. We don't know if we can adopt. We aren't sure we don't want to adopt."

And as an adopted mom, these comments do NOT NOT NOT sting me. They are true. Adoption IS different. It's wonderful. I love it. But for us, it was a fit. For others it may not be.

Shame on these people making these statements. They've completely missed the point. I really wouldn't give them another thought!

findinganewnormal said...

Okay, this one made my blood boil - so much so that I got out of my warm bed where I was reading on my cell phone so that I could type this on a real keyboard.

First of all, your family building decisions are your own. You have never in any post I have ever read, ever even suggested that one choice is better than another - only that one might be preferred for YOU! Yep, that's right, you are allowed to make choices about your own family building and shame on anyone for attacking you for that.

And to the idiots who say "just adopt" - there is no "just" in adoption - it is hard, full of disappointments, incredibly expensive - and people sometimes wait years and years to be parents through adoption, or are turned down from many programs due to age, marital status or other "criteria". And yet, for some (including myself) it provided the most wonderful gift of a child for our family. But let's not kid ourselves that it is easy or less expensive or somehow "better".

By the way, Caroline, I personally believe that if your sister hadn't been adopted by your family - there would have been another equally wonderful family that would have adopted her! There are a lot of really great families out there waiting for a child through adoption - some have been waiting for years! The images of rescuing some poor child from a life of doom is not exactly the case for most domestic adoptions these days.

I speak from experience. Just for the record, I have been through IVF with my own eggs, DE IVF, double donor IVF, donor embryos, pregnancy with twins who were born too early and left us too soon, and domestic private adoption. And I researched the heck out of surrogacy (and but for the cost might have gone that route). Oh, and I am an adult adoptee too. So, I feel like I have a little first hand knowledge about the "options" out there for family building. They are all incredibly hard! And expensive (adoption being one of the most expensive)! And none of them come with guarantees. One is not better than another - one is not lesser.

Back in March I wrote a blog post http://findinganewnormal.wordpress.com/2011/03/12/not-a-consolation-prize/ about how adoption is not a consolation prize - and the same could be said for any other method of family building.

Again, I am so sorry that people chose to be so judgemental, critial and hurtful. And I am sorry you feel the need to explain yourself or defend your choices. But know that there are many of us who are surrounding you with our hearts full of hope that your path to parenthood becomes clear and you have peace.

C said...

Dear Mo and Will,

HUGS to you both. How unfortunate that those two left such nasty comments on your blog. Do what is best for you, however you choose to build your family is nobody else's business. Most of us are just here to support you through your journey, whatever that might ultimately be.

All the best!

Anonymous said...

I was shocked at the ugliness of those posts. As I personally struggle with which path to take to create a family, I have looked to your blog for your articulate insight as you weigh your options. Kind regards, Dana

Mo and Will said...

Caroline

Thanks for returning to clarify your post. I also thought your tone was different than Molly's, but then you said you agreed with her post, so I wasn't sure how to interpret that. To answer some of your questions while protecting our own privacy, we HAVE considered adoption. Thoroughly. We have a whole shelf of books on the various types of adoption, have interviewed attorneys and met with adoptive parents and gone to conferences and talked to adult adoptees and psychologists and physicians about it. And we haven't ruled it out. But it is not the path we will be pursuing right at this moment. For many, many reasons, none of which have to do with obtaining a perfect, white newborn. One of the things that surprised us we looked into adoption is how long, and how uncertain, of a process it is. Also, that there are so many people out there hoping and waiting to adopt. we know of many people who have encountered heartbreak on the road to adoption. if it were a more certain path, i think we might have chosen it. or if we could combine the paths, i think we would have. but we have been told it is either/or. either you are pursuing fertility treatments or you are adopting. and we are just not in a place right now to abandon the path we have been on for another, different - but just as perilous feeling path. this likely makes little sense to you, both because of your family history and because you have yet to try to start your own family. but maybe some day it will. anyway, thanks for taking the time to come back and comment again. that took a lot of courage.

best,

mo

Missy F said...

Mo & Will,

You both show such intelligence, restraint & poise- personally I think you are both extraodianary. I pray for you both as you continue on your path toward building a family (in which ever wonderful way you choose, because truly however you two become parents will be perfect for you and a blessing for your little one) : )

P.S. I miss pictures of miss moxie!

Caroline- You don't know what your fertility status is, please feel free to walk in the shoes of Mo & Will and then judge them for what they choose to do in an effort to build their family. May you never know the pain, heartache & desperation of fearing that you may never experience the joys of being a parent...nor assume that you "will adopt fertile or not"...what if you weren't approved, couldn't afford it or were never matched? Glass houses, stones...you know the deal.

Molly,

I would love to know exactaly where in the post Mo stated that she thought adoption was inferior or that she only wanted a "perfect white baby"? Not for nothing but I have been reading this blog for years and I have no idea what race they are. Wow...I hope you don't consider becoming a parent period. The world is full of enough hate and judgement, what a shame it would be to pass that down to any child- regardless of their race, means of conception/adoption or wether or not they are perfect, no?

Meinsideout said...

Blogging is great...unfortunately, it is open to everyone and everyone has an opinion. I am sorry that you were hurt - and I am sorry that people are not more thoughtful about what they post.

XXOO

Anonymous said...

Mo and Will, so sorry you're having to put up with this kind of stupidity. Anyway, not sure if I'm missing something out here...but as far as I'm aware most people's first choice since humanity begun is to procreate the 'natural way' and have genetically related offspring. Generally, people consider other options only if this doesn't happen. The timing and alternative route to parenthood is a personal choice. If we were to condemn everyone who had a child in any way other than the 'normal way' after having firstly tried and failed 'the normal way' then, let me tell you Mollie and Caroline, the list of people meeting your criteria of choosing inferior options would extend far and wide. Just leave Mo and Will alone.

Miss Conception said...

Follow your dreams, do what YOU want, and don't let anyone else's opinions, or ignorance, or cruelty, stand in your way. You guys are braver than any other couple I "know." Don't let others throw their garbage on you.

Anonymous said...

Just delurking to say that infertility really sucks, and I'm sorry you're going through this and receiving some tough comments. There are different ways to build a family, and adoption is not just an "easy answer." Best wishes on whatever route you decide.

Dora said...

Mo and Will, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with such judgmental and nasty comments. As if this isn't all hard enough. Other commenters have said what I feel so well (love Roccie's comment), but I wanted to stand by you as a friend.

Yo, Trolls, this couple will be wonderful parents. Mo was first person other than family and doctors and nurses to hold my newborn daughter. My little donor embryo miracle. There is ZERO doubt in my mind that Mo will be an extraordinary mom and will love their child with all her heart, no matter how he or she comes into their lives. Mo was a great support to me during my struggle to become a mom. She has opened her heart here on this blog and deserved nothing but support. If you can't give that, just click away.

winter blue said...

I'm not sure why people pick on people who are pursuing ART for not adopting instead. Probably because they haven't thought it through.

Obviously anyone can adopt instead of having a biological child, but most people choose the biological route. Adoption can be heartbreaking in its own ways. Here in Canada, there is a 3 month window where the birth mother can change her mind. I know a couple, who, after years of IF treatment, successfully adopted a baby, and then had it removed because the mother changed her mind. To me, the pain of that possibility, which I guess could be worse than any IF failure, is certainly one thing that prevents me from making the step. To be sure, adoption comes with its own heartbreak and difficulties. One must prepare for it, and be ready.

But really, judge not. Mo and Will are obviously incredibly thoughtful. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt that they have reasons for taking the path they choose.

winter blue said...

correction: window to change consent is typically one month.

Mo and Will said...

Winter Blue - NY State has the same 30 day revocation period... I understand the reasoning for it, but it seems like a lifetime to me.

Anonymous said...

To Mo and Will: I wish for you peace and happiness, however that comes about.

To those few who think they know the secret to someone else's happiness: I wish for you brains, but, failing that, I wish for you a broken internet connection.....

Hillary said...

Ugh, as if it's anyone's damn business how you both choose to further your path to parenthood! Choices like these are deeply personal, and I think that came across diplomatically in your last post. To assume I know how you feel and what you should do is the height of hubris. We have enough to deal with--we shouldn't be tearing down each other.

Best of luck to you both. Don't let a presumptuous, insensitive few get you down.

Brid said...

The month-long wait is a terrible place to be. My beautiful neighbours adopted their first little boy before they moved here, but their second little one came, and he was with them over a week when the birth mother changed her mind. It was heartbreaking for them... they did end up getting the baby back, but it's just terrible all around. The baby's birth mother is only 16, and she ended up running away from her care home... can you imagine how she felt during that month... knowing her time was running out too. It's a statement of great love and great sadness when a baby and mother are separated, and a leap of faith of faith for everyone involved.
When I read Molly's comments the other day, my heart dropped because I just couldn't believe someone would take such an intimate and important space as this to somehow try to further her/his own agenda. It's so out of place.
Best wishes Will and Mo
xo

Me said...

I am appalled that someone posted something of this nature on your blog. Even if you DID think Adoption was "inferior" that is totally your prerogative. Who they heck are they to tell you how you should build your family? People suck sometimes!

Anonymous said...

I am delurking to say that I too am sorry you feel you need to defend your position. For myself, I wanted to have a child and adopt from the foster care system. I don't think those 2 desires are at odds with each other and I truly do not want one more than the other. It is just different and I want both experiences. That is how I want to build my family for many reasons. So, for you to say adoption is not an option at this time is a completely understandable and valid statement and a valid feeling, no matter what the reason. I understand that some people feel that those who come to adoption only because they have no other option might not be making the best decision and encourage people to really think that through and go into any major decision like having children with their eyes open to the reality. Even if adoption is someone's last option, I dont' think that is because it is inferior, but not their first choice. Still, people change, circumstances change, and in the end, I think the vast majority of those that adopt, even if they still would like to have been able to have a biological child, adore their child and appreciate the way they came into their family and are loving parents. I wish you all the best. I hope that you find your answer and have your child in your arms soon.
Melissa in Durham

Miroslava said...

I am going for my 1st IVF after 4IUI's and I came across your blog in a search of hope and unfortunately I found this post that shows some people are just plain insensitive. I do not even know how my IVF will turn out, whether I will be able to be a mother or not in the future. I admire your patience and strength to carry on after so many attempts. It shows enormous love you guys have for each other and for the unborn baby, that I am sure will make his/her way to your life soon. I personally know already that I will never ever adopt.It may sound selfish but it is my life, my choice and if I cannot have babies biologically, then so be it. I will not be a mother. I was not meant to be, even my whole life I am only waiting for that to happen. My hubby will not love me less and he is 100% with me on this. Keep strong!!!

M said...

I was so excited to see that you had posted then WHOA - talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire!
If there is one thing I have learned from IF is that you never ever know what some one else is going through. Ignore the lame comments and stay positive.
So happy that you are back :)

Carole said...

I was so happy to see you return to the blogosphere. I have missed your thoughtful and insightful posts and I am sure that many of your readers were concerned about your long absence and were wishing you all the best. I am sorry that some commentators apparently felt so insecure about their own choices, they felt a need to tramp all over yours. Make the best choice for yourselves and be at peace. You will be wonderful parents no matter how you get there. Best Wishes, Carole

Chris and Joy said...

The road to parenthood is such a personal journey. Unless you have identical life experiences, partner, family, and fertility status you cannot understand someone else's decisions. As that is impossible being supportive of someone as they work to sort it all out for themselves is the best possible approach. My husband and I have done four IVFs with 2 MC while our friends chose not to do IVF and are just waiting for travel dates for their adoption. Regardless both families will be first time parents this year and we couldn't be happier for one another.

Peaches said...

Mo & Will, Wow, I am stunned to think that you felt obligated to defend yourselves :( how sad on top of everything you else you have been through...I believe you present your feelings on all of your potenital options with clarity, wisdom, and heart. I have followed your page for awhile now and appreciate your honesty and the way you try to see every aspect of the situation--all while educating others. Thank you for continuing to share your journey with 'us', and don't change a thing :)

Susan said...

I am late reading this post, but I feel I can offer some comfort. I read Molly's comment to you and wanted to tell you to not take it personally (though I know it is hard). Her comment has everything to do with HER and NOTHING to do with you. My gut instinct tells me that Molly was an adopted child who felt neglected by her own birth mother. When you get to the real heart of her problem, you realize her comment had to do with something far, far deeper. After all, why would your post bother her so much? She obviously feels neglect somewhere in her own life or she would not have felt the need to defend her emotions over your post (that had nothing to do her in the first place). Plus, she was afraid to leave a reply link..further telling me more about herself.

A great book to great is called "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. It explains alot. But don't take it personally. Hang in there! Hugs

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Erin Smith said...

I'm not sure why people pick on people who are pursuing ART for not adopting instead. Probably because they haven't thought it through. Obviously anyone can adopt instead of having a biological child, but most people choose the biological route. Adoption can be heartbreaking in its own ways. Here in Canada, there is a 3 month window where the birth mother can change her mind. I know a couple, who, after years of IF treatment, successfully adopted a baby, and then had it removed because the mother changed her mind. To me, the pain of that possibility, which I guess could be worse than any IF failure, is certainly one thing that prevents me from making the step. To be sure, adoption comes with its own heartbreak and difficulties. One must prepare for it, and be ready. But really, judge not. Mo and Will are obviously incredibly thoughtful. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt that they have reasons for taking the path they choose.

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