Thursday, February 3, 2011

All we are is broken

I've been so quiet because I'm not sure what to say.

Because Will and I have just been wading through this. Through all the loss. The heartache.

And it's hard to know what to write about it. I am so sad, and so angry, at our situation. At everything we have given up, all the losses incurred on our journey. And I don't just mean the pregnancy losses, although those are substantial. I mean the loss of innocence, the losses in my marriage (we've been doing IVF since two months after we married - almost four years now).

I am angry at all Will has sacrificed as we've tried to start a family - huge emotional sacrifices, huge financial sacrifices. And these are my losses too. There are also physical effects of all we have been through: I am 30 pounds heavier than I have ever been in my life. I used to run marathons, complete triathlons. I can't even imagine doing that now.

And I am not just physically heavy. I am emotionally heavy. Months of lupron and prednisone will do both to you. Six miscarriages also take their toll. Even with these sizable costs, I'd do it all again - I'd give up anything, go through anything, to bear a child.

Except we don't succeed. We've gone for broke over and over again. And all we are is broken.

So I am in a place of grieving. And of reckoning. And of mending things in my marriage and maybe in my own heart, too.

The way forward is as murky as it has ever been.

But I am here.

Mo


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69 comments:

Lex said...

I am so sad reading this. All of the losses really do take a toll and my heart is breaking for you.

MyTwoLines said...

You are still here, and that is something. I wish I could say anything that would help, but I know there really aren't words that can comfort. I'm just so sorry for everything you have already endured, and for what you continue to endure. Wishing you some sliver of peace in this journey.

Pie said...

And we are here for you, when you are ready to write. I know it is not IRL support, but do know many many many of us out here care about you and Will, and hope to support you both. Take your time, heal at your own pace, and know we are here for you if you need us.

((((hugs))))

serenity said...

Oh sweetie. I wish I could take the pain away.

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

xoxo

Dean said...

Sending you some big hugs from up north. Infertility takes a toll on us in so many many ways, and please know that we think of you guys often.
Duck.

Ps I am back blogging but it's a health and weightloss after infertility blog.

gwinne said...

Ah, Mo. I'm glad you posted. I think of you and Will often. I wish I could say or do something to help.

lovemyabbie@gmail.com said...

I'm so sorry, I wish saying that would do any good. Lots of hugs and prayers.

DM said...

I hope you can endure trying again, you are such an amazingly strong woman. Take care.

loribeth said...

I'm here too. Listening, abiding. Sending you cyber(((hugs))).

Jacquie | After Words said...

I'm sorry you have been on such a painful and long journey. I wish you peace.

RDR said...

I have been checking on you every few days, keeping you both in my prayers and thoughts. I am so sorry you are going through this emotional and physical marathon of grief. Take care of yourself and know we are all here for you.

The Blatchford Family said...

Huge hugs to you both. I hope & wish for healing and a clear path forward for you guys.

Emily Erin said...

Nothing but hugs to send. You are strong, and a path will come. I am glad that you've given yourself space to cry and grieve, but know that the bloggy community is here for you in what ways we can be...

Libby said...

I wish I had the magic words to say, or better yet, a magic wand to make your dreams of a baby come true. Sadly, my husband and I are in a similar situation. I never knew this kind of grief existed until we experienced it. Peace to you.

Jem said...

I'm right there beside you. I haven't been doing this as long as you or faced as many losses, but I am at the same spot.

Feeling heavy.

SassyIfLady said...

you're in my thoughts and prayers lady. take care.

Anonymous said...

one foot in front of the other... you will get there, who knows where that is, but it won't be this murky, sad place. doing the grieving now, as opposed to shoving it down or ignoring it, is a very good thing, it will help in the future when you are ready to move forward. take it day by day, we are all here to listen and support.

mummydr said...

I think of you often even though I don't know you and can not really imagine what you have been through. You do not deserve any of this.
I hope you find a way through to the other side.

Secret Sloper said...

This makes me so sad, even though you need to work through this to figure out what comes next. I know how heavy the loss weighs, and I've been through so much less than you have. You are remarkably strong to have endured all that you have. It's not really a consolation, but there it is.

Kate said...

Thinking of you and wishing you peace with your decisions about how to proceed.

Jay said...

What you have been though and have sacrificed so far just slays me. All I'm hoping for you right now, is that you find some way to proceed forward, that you and Will decide on one plan of action both of you feel at peace with.

Beyond that, I just hope the universe is done messing with you. Its about bloody time you got a break.

I'm in New York now- if you ever want to talk or meet up, let me know.

Kathryn said...

There are so many people thinking of you ... I hope your path becomes clearer in the coming days.

Baby bump bound said...

I just want to give you a big hug. I am without words...but I share this frustration with you.

I wish I had the answers.

sprogblogger said...

You're one of the very strongest women I have ever known - I just wish you didn't have to be. I'm home next week, let's try to get together?

Elizabeth said...

Like others, I think of you and try to check on you every day. I'm so very sorry.

K said...

I've been thinking of you. You're in a lot of hearts, Mo. I hope you can find a way to clear out yours a little in the coming days.

Megan said...

I'm so sorry. There's nothing else to say. I don't know how you get better from this.

Gabby said...

I check every day to hear how you are. I think about you all the time. i want this so so so bad for you. I wish I knew something more to say. I wish I coudl fix it. So hard. So sorry.. so much love heading your way.

sonja said...

You are so often on my mind, Mo. I wish there was something I could do or say to make it better ... it is NOT FAIR that you have endured this for so damn long. It makes NO SENSE. You are in my prayers every night.

LisainSK said...

ALWAYS thinking of you...I just hope you find your way soon. Big big hugs to you and Will.

My Endo Journey said...

Thinking of you both and my heart is so heavy from your words. The journey is so draining and definitely takes a toll on our lives. I know where you are in a way and I ache for you.
Hugs and understanding!

Michelle said...

Oh Mo, I figured you were struggling. I mean how can you not be?! You've been through a battle and it takes time to heal and piece it back together again. Thinking of you and always here to listen. Be kind to yourself and take your time with this.

Miss Megan said...

I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face - I can literally feel your pain as you are writing this. =( I am so sorry you are "broken". It is SO hard to give everything you have over and over again and only feel like you are getting beat down further and further into the dirt.
Sending many many (((HUGS))) your way. We are here to listen and help whenever you need us =).
Thinking of you and Will

What IF? said...

You are so strong for posting this while you're in the midst of such immense grief. I can't even begin to imagine the toll this IF struggle and the losses have taken on each of you, and your relationship. I'm thinking of you both.

Dora said...

Mo, I think of you so often. Would love to see you, but I feel unsure as to how much to reach out. As someone who has "crossed over," I don't want to cause you more pain. My heart aches for you. I haven't had the losses you've had, but I know that deep, sharp pain of wanting to be a mother, and also wanting to bear a child. People often dismiss that part as being unimportant, but if it's something you desire on a visceral level, it is important. I so want that for you. And I'm also sad and angry that you've been through all this without a full term pregnancy and a take home baby. It fucking sucks!

Sending waves of love from across the river.

And so it goes said...

And we are here with you as you walk through this darkness...

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story for others going through this. It does take a toll. Please don't feel alone.

Randi said...

Hey Mo - Just wanted to send you some love - I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger award. Thinking of you and sending you love.

Miss Ruby said...

it sucks arse and i hope you manage to find the next step and hopefully when you do, it will be THE step that brings a living, breathing babe into your arms.

~x~

Lara said...

I am so sorry for all that you have endured and lost. You're so brave and I know you will be able to turn this grief into figuring out the way forward. I just really wish you didn't have to experience this.

Mrs. Lemon said...

Hey Mo, I think of you and will often. I'm so sorry you are going through this. We are here!

Gil said...

Just letting you know that I too am here. I've been checking in with you every few days, hoping that you both are managing to wade through all of this, and that you're doing okay. That's all we can ask for right now; that you are here, and you're getting through it. One way or the other, you WILL get through it. And we're all right by your side honey. God I wish I could change things. For the moment, just know that we are here for you. We are thinking of you. And we are sending much love to you and Will. *hugs*

Brenda said...

I have been "virtually" checking in on you, imagining the sadness you must be feeling. I am so very sorry. I am abiding with you and sending all good thoughts, peacefulness, and a hope for a clearer direction during this painful and sad time.

ginger71 said...

I'm so sorry. (hugs) I feel like we are near the end of our journey as well. It's so hard to know when to stop...especially when you have been close so many times. My heart breaks for you...I do know how you feel. (more hugs)

musicmakermomma said...

Oh Mo, it is so hard. I hate that there is nothing I can do for you and Will, but please know that you have become important in my life (in a non-weird way). You have done so much, it seems like there ought to be a way for you - maybe there's a door you can reconsider like DE or surrogate? I completely understand not wanting to go there, I have the same thoughts about a surro, but we knew my eggs were crap from the start so DE wasn't a hard choice for ME. I just hope the universe finds you a baby somehow. Take care my friend.

Wishing and waiting said...

I am so sorry for you. I know there are no words that can heal your heart right now, but just know that there are many of us who understand. I know that you would not wish this situation on your worst enemy. Many people have told me to hang in there when I could not see a reason why I should, but please hang in there. I am sorry for all that you are going through. I am praying for you

Nepsi said...

I have been wondering about you. I wish I could do something to fix this for you. I can't even imagine what you've been through.

MrsSpock said...

Hugs

Amy said...

I keep writing then deleting my comment because, in all honesty, there is nothing that can be said to make this better. We all wish we could just make the universe right and have a baby in your loving arms now. But, since we can't, we wish you love, peace, clarity of mind and spirit, and enough endurance to make this dream come true one way or another when the time is right to take the next baby steps. I am glad you are taking the time you need to step back, grieve, evaluate life/love/loss and THEN move forward taking whatever path feels most right. There is NO rush, none. You WILL get there. You WILL. Be easy on yourself and on one and other... You will be that much stronger as a couple and as parents when you do get to the other side and you WILL. Until then, please know that so many of us are rooting for you and sending you so much love from afar. None of this is fair and it just plain sucks. I'm so sorry this has been your srory so far... This will not be your ending though--It won't. So I'll keep checking in on you daily. Thank you for your update. I think of you all of the time and want so badly for you to be complete soon.

Alexicographer said...

What Pie said. I have been thinking of you both and checking back and will continue to do so.

conceptionallychallenged said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.

Claudia said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.

Danielle said...

I hear you. Every word.

Sending peace and strength to you, Mo.

Roccie said...

It is good to hear from you but your message breaks my heart. It must hurt every bit of your being Mo. I dont know what it all means, but it sounds like this is part of your process - figure it out. What is next.

Always here for you.

linda said...

Your post made me sad and made me reflect on my own history and how my partner and I didn't survive the torment of infertility and what it did to us. You two are still together after all this, and that says something monumental about the two of you. :)

Hugs,
Linda

Out With In said...

I'm so sorry too Mo. And I'm thinking of you both.

winter blue said...

Oh Mo... us too. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I know there are none. Just know that you have all these readers because you speak truth to power. And that will get you to the other side. Hang in there.

Dreams and False Alarms said...

(((((HUGS)))))
I know this feeling so well. I hope you find your way out.

'Murgdan' said...

I wish I could send you a torch to light the murky way.

My So-Called (TTC) Life said...

I just came to your blog for the first time and am blown away by your story and strength. I wish you the very best of luck in this journey. And I hope it comes to an end soon for you...with a very happy ending. xo

CeCe said...

My heart ached reading this post. I am wishing and hoping for all the peace and happiness that you deserve.

birdsandsquirrels said...

Mo, I am so sorry. I wish I could do something to take the pain away. I'm thinking of you and Will and keeping you in my heart.

Peaches said...

Mo, once again your honesty leaves me speechless...I truly truly wish there was something I could say or do for you and Will--know that you are in my thoughts.

Kahla said...

I just saw this and I can't even imagine what you are feeling. My heart just aches for you.

Phoebe said...

While my experience is different than yours, I can relate to being broken. I'm still amazed at how deep the grief runs for me. I just have to keep feeling it, I tell myself (and my therapist tells me). Eventually, I'll get through this. But it is tough to think of life without children. Hugs.

Mel said...

Hi Mo.

I don't think I've ever commented on your blog before. I too am an RPL girl. Lost number ten in December. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone, that you aren't the only one. Because it feels like to that to me. A lot. If you want someone to talk to, feel free to drop me a email.

Melanie

KT said...

Here from the Creme- I'm so sorry to hear about your journey so far. I can only imagine how much of a toll it has taken on you. Good luck in 2012.

Lavender Luz said...

I can fee the weight of your grief and exhaustion in this post. IF can take such a toll...

Abiding with you, almost a year late.

Creme #3

JustHeather said...

Here from Creme de la Creme.
I feel for you in this post and remember all those thoughts and feelings too. I am so glad to be able to 'jump forward' to today and see that you are just about ready to give birth to a little one. while the memories never go away, the pain does lessen.
Good luck!

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