Thursday, February 3, 2011
I've been so quiet because I'm not sure what to say.
Because Will and I have just been wading through this. Through all the loss. The heartache.
And it's hard to know what to write about it. I am so sad, and so angry, at our situation. At everything we have given up, all the losses incurred on our journey. And I don't just mean the pregnancy losses, although those are substantial. I mean the loss of innocence, the losses in my marriage (we've been doing IVF since two months after we married - almost four years now).
I am angry at all Will has sacrificed as we've tried to start a family - huge emotional sacrifices, huge financial sacrifices. And these are my losses too. There are also physical effects of all we have been through: I am 30 pounds heavier than I have ever been in my life. I used to run marathons, complete triathlons. I can't even imagine doing that now.
And I am not just physically heavy. I am emotionally heavy. Months of lupron and prednisone will do both to you. Six miscarriages also take their toll. Even with these sizable costs, I'd do it all again - I'd give up anything, go through anything, to bear a child.
Except we don't succeed. We've gone for broke over and over again. And all we are is broken.
So I am in a place of grieving. And of reckoning. And of mending things in my marriage and maybe in my own heart, too.
The way forward is as murky as it has ever been.
But I am here.
Click here to subscribe
at 2:52 PM
So...we talked to Dr. Schl. in Denver finally. Boy, he is one cool cucumber. It was an interesting talk, but somewhat surprising to us. We ...
Prompted by you commenters pointing out the annoying "Baby On Board" signs (most frequently endured apparently by international bl...
So I signed on, full steam ahead, for surgery on Thursday. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but I'm realizing I'm a little scar...
Thank you guys for your comments on the last post. It helps. I'm feeling better. Seven days of antibiotics ahead of me, but fever is...
Today was the nuchal scan. I was really nervous going in to it. Afraid the baby wouldn't be alive or that it would somehow look terribl...
So today was finally the official beta day for the Denver clinic. And we are up in the country far north of NYC. My husband Will a...
Ms. Magpie has arrived! She came via c-section last night at 11:39, after a long trial of labor (36 hours from when they inserted the ...
We're considering a bunch of options on how to move forward. You've read many of our thoughts on the matter since we lost our sixth ...
My 31-year-old sister went in to her local fertility clinic for her baseline ultrasound and FSH day-3 testing today to see if she can dona...
Heading in now for the induction. I feel scared. I feel excited. I feel humbled. My husband Will is meeting me at the hospital. ...