No more spotting since yesterday, as of now, at least. The cramping continues (although it stopped for a while this morning). Things feel ominous to me, but of course my feelings could mean anything, could mean nothing. Am drinking lots of water and trying to stay off of my feet.
I deeply appreciate all of your thoughts. Really do. Thanks for taking the time to share all your bleedy, crampy stories. My gosh you people bled and cramped a lot! An impressive bunch, you are! Especially for getting through it with your sanity intact.
I don't mean to whine, but forgive me for a moment while I do anyway. Folks, I know you know, but I want to say it anyway: this is so, so hard. Being sort-of pregnant, I mean. The farther we get, the more anxious I become. Every twinge, every non-twinge, completely stresses me out. And to have the pink tinge yesterday? To be full-on cramping? oh.my.god. completely.over.the.edge.
And add to that the fact that I am so far away from home, in a place where English is not the main language... What was I ever thinking agreeing to come here?! What I was thinking then eludes me, but what I am thinking now is that I am in my hotel room in my pajamas, and I plan to stay here the rest of the day, not even venturing out to fill my ice bucket.
I checked out where my symposium will be taking place tomorrow. It's going to be, um, in a full size ballroom - seating capacity 500 or 1,000 or something. Like completely out of control. I have NEVER spoken in front of such a large audience. (and have I mentioned that I deeply fear public speaking?) I guess it should have occurred to me since this is an invited talk and is a "featured" symposium, that it would be getting prime billing (usually my talks are in some musty basement room that seats 15-20 people). Oh, and have I mentioned that I have nothing to say in my talk? Or at least pretty sure nothing of importance to say? No data to present (seriously), because my research study hasn't started recruiting patients yet. So I'll be, I don't know, talking about the research study I *will* be doing. Maybe I'll try something novel, like blowing up balloon animals in front of the esteemed researchers in my field. Oh, and cramping. Since it appears that I'll be cramping as well, maybe I'll make a point to mention it during the talk, just to make the whole occasion more memorable.
OK, Mo. Deep breath. What's the bright side? Major bright side is that aside from that minimal spotting yesterday, I am NOT bleeding. And I am not doubled over cramping, which would be BAD. I am feeling very menstrual, I am feeling achy in my uterus, and this could be bad, or it could be good, or it could mean absolutely nothing at all.
This morning I braved the outside world to find a pharmacy and bought a bunch of water (because the tap water here is bitter and nasty) and some crackers and juice and (cough) some HPTs (I'm like an addict at this point, spending time planning when can I buy more HPTs, planning how can I procure more HPTs, avoiding other activities and role functioning because I am too busy peeing on my HPTs!!!). I think even though they aren't in English I should be able to figure this out. Two lines = Argh, who the hell knows anymore? Well, it at least equals that things haven't taken a precipitous dive for the worse. Also, did you know that in other countries they have HPTs that say how many weeks pregnant you are? I bought some of those too, although I'm afraid to use them. Why do we not have this in the U.S.? Seems like a fine invention.
In twenty-four hours my talk will be over (hopefully not my career as well) and then I can just rest up and take it easy until I fly back home. Flight home currently scheduled for Sunday morning. Wish I could move it up, but it doesn't look so likely, unless I want to spend another $800 or so.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. And thank you, seriously, for being out there, and for listening.
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