Monday, March 29, 2010

Knocked down, but getting back up

Last night, I kind of lost it. Seemingly out of nowhere a huge wave of sadness hit, taking me down at the knees. Crushing sadness at the loss of the New York Six, at the mediocre FISH results, at the failures of all of our IVF cycles, at the loss of our five pregnancies. The loss of our dreams, too, our hopes of how we would have a family. And the overwhelming fear and sadness that we are getting close to the end of the line with our gametes, and yet none of the other options feels quite right to me yet. Will is much more ready for the other possibilities if we need them, either sister donor or anonymous donor or adoption. Sperm donor, not so much, interestingly...but other options, yes.

I do pretty well holding it together most of the time, so well that I don't even know how much effort I'm mustering to hold back the wall of despair that threatens to drown me. But then yesterday night, my defenses started to go down and the tears started to flow. And once they started, I could not stop them and just let myself cry. Big heaving animal sobs crying. Which is ultra rare for me. It felt a bit relieving but also frightening, like maybe I wouldn't remember how to stop once I got started. Because this past two and half years has just been grief upon grief upon grief and we are still not out the other side.

Poor Will could only watch helplessly, holding me and reassuring me that we will get through this. That I will be ok. That we will be ok. And eventually I wiped my tears and blew my nose and fell asleep beside him.

Today I feel tentative, a bit fragile and depleted, but here. And I guess that's how it is sometimes. You just have to walk through it. And hopefully one day soon, out the other side.

Mo


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45 comments:

Dora said...

Oh, hon. I know those deep animal cries. It's kind of horrifying to hear those sounds. "OMG! Is that me!?!" Glad Will was there for you. You have so much riding on this cycle. You've been through so much already. It's okay to to feel fragile right now, because you are, at your core, so strong. You will get through this. You will get to the other side.

Then you will cry tears of joy. xoxo

Heather said...

I now have Chumbawumba stuck in my head...listen to that, it might help you grin a little!

I'm sorry...but emotion is emotion, and you need to cry. you need to be angry. You need to hurt.

The dark clouds will go away...and the sun will return.

hugs.

irrationalexuberance said...

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a bad time. I know that feeling of trying like hell to keep the real grief and fear at bay and then losing the battle. But it's probably cathartic and important that you allowed yourself to feel that deeply, even just for a bit. I hope like hell that this is the last time that you feel this way, and that you start feeling more yourself again soon.

jenicini said...

Mo, you are so strong to make it through as far as you have. I have such faith that you will make it through this and come out on the other side. If you come to the point where you are done with your own gametes, you will know. You will know that you are comfortable with that direction. Stay strong.

musicmakermomma said...

Oh mo, I feel for you going through this terrible pain. It is not fair that we can't just get pg like others! All the emotions just get built up, and I bet everyone reading your blog has had the "ugly cry" at some point.

Lovely visit from your sis though. She sounds amazing, offering her eggs is a huge sacrifice! Even if you don't take her up on it, it is great to have such support. Thinking of you.

Megan said...

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that the bright side for you is "not another miscarriage". It sucks. I hope your perfect embryo is in this batch.

Interestingly my husband is also open to donor eggs, but not so much donor sperm or donated embryos. I guess men have a harder time letting go of the biological connection.

CeCe said...

I am so sorry for the accumulated grief that you've had to cope with. I hope a good, hard cry has brought you a tiny bit of relief to keep moving forward. In the near future you will come out on the other side and we will all be celebrating with you.

TeeJay said...

I'm so sorry you are so sad. I can't even imagine going through all that you have. I would think that you totall deserve to break down once in a while. I had that sort of break down during my IVF...the "what if this is IT, the end of the road?" feeling just nags away and causes all kinds of havoc with our emotions. Cry it out, let it out...it's all a part of the healing proccess.

Lisa said...

Mo, this post brought tears to my eyes. You don't know me but I feel like I know you having read your blog for so long now. I am so sorry for the last 2.5 years ... I really am. Nobody should have to endure this. All I can do is offer you a virtual hug and let you and Will know that you're in my thoughts often and I hope and pray for the outcome you so deserve.

gwinne said...

I hear you. My own losses feel so small compared to yours, but I've been there too, with those full-body sobs. For me, they hit at all kinds of unexpected moments. I'm still rooting for the Denver embryos.

Nepsi said...

I think when we get this far in and are staring at the odds on #6 it can catch up with you quick. Sometimes a good cry is exactly what we need. I am holding out hope that a normal embie is in there and that it will become your baby and if it doesn't I am sure you will find a way to see this through.

Katie Lou said...

I am so sorry for your pain! I know what you mean by those cries...but isn't it wonderful to have a husband to hold you during that time? Its those times that we grow closer together.
I hope to get to know you better through our blogs. ((((HUGS))))

glamcookie said...

I hope it made you feel somewhat better to get it out. So glad you and Will have each other and hoping so much for this cycle to be the one for the two of you! {{{}}}

lastchanceivf said...

I know those tears well. Although we have not had the losses you've had in terms of any pregnancies, five failed IVFs and at the end of ART is a big loss.
If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.

Allison said...

Thinking of you today!

Amanda said...

I doubt I have anything that is going to make you feel better....but just know that all of us in the blog world are here for you and are all hoping and praying that you will get some good news out of all of this. Hang in there! Hugs!

Kansas said...

You know what, it's okay to feel sadness, fear, anger, etc. in explosive ways when you're going through IF. You have to feel those feelings to be able to continue on. Burying them is just not an option. So, if you need to have a breakdown every now and then, go ahead and let yourself. We're always here to listen:) (((hugs)))

Pie said...

I know those animal sobs. I hope it feels a little cathartic, getting some of that out, lightening the load you carry around. Especially given the field you are in, it is a lot to bear the burden of you own stuff, let alone that of your clients.

I have hope for you - and I also hope one day you will see the other side. (((HUGS)))

PJ said...

Sometimes a deep soulwrenching cry is good for you.

I sooooooooo hope that there's a light at the end of the tunnel here. You guys have been through so much already. You've persevered, and it's only fair that there's a reward in it for you. I know, I'm idealistic, but I'm still cheering for you.

Kate said...

Sorry everthing is hitting you now. You've got good reasons to have a good cry. Hope it was a good emotional release for you as it always is for me.

Ceejay said...

I had a similar moment last week. I haven't been in this that long yet, but I think I will probably have those breakdowns every few weeks for now until something major changes. I guess that's how it goes with major heartbreak in our lives. I'm grateful for the many moments when my spirits are up and hopeful.

We can't do anything more than Will did, but I'm sending you hugs!

sprogblogger said...

I am so sorry, but so glad Will was there for you. And, you know, it didn't come out of nowhere. You've had a shitty few years of it, and you're allowed to grieve that, even if grieving isn't your usual response to things. God, Mo, I just want something really and truly and unequivocally GOOD to happen for you. Soon. Really damned soon. Thinking of you.

Danielle said...

Oh, Mo. Dammit. I cried myself to sleep last night, too- big, heaving sobs about how f'ing unfair it all is. If there were anything that could take away the pain, the grief, and the exhaustion of the past few years, there are hundreds of people out there who would do it for you and Will in a heartbeat. And I wish that wishing we could do that meant more than it does. I am rooting for you, and sending you hope and virtual tissues (and, since I live in NY, too, real ones if you need them.)

thecalmafterthestorm said...

((hugs hugs)) Oh, Mo I am so sorry for you. I am sitting here in tears while reading your post. I so hope the end of this awful journey is coming in the form of one or two perfect snuggled in blasts in the upcoming weeks.
Take care.

It is what it is said...

I so feel for you and appreciate how unaware of how much you are holding it together until you're not.

I think when faced with most major life decisions we all hope that a clear path will reveal itself or that if it doesn't we'll have the presence of mind to move forward, steadfastly, and that hindsight will show that we did the right thing. But the truth is, sometimes the path is fogged over, or grown over, and it really is unchartered territory we find ourselves nagivating through. It's at these times we can only trust in all the tools that have gotten us by thus far and find a way to muster the faith that we will come out the other side (even if it was a different side than we ever anticipated).

Here is to you coming out the other side.

SassyIfLady said...

(Big Hug) I'm so there with you. Take care of yourself. Will is lucky to have you :-) You're so strong!

Michelle said...

You are an amazingly strong woman. I am sending you hugs. I am sorry that you have had to go through all of this and still your dreams haven't come true. Many hugs!!

Rebecca said...

I felt all my energy sink to my feet when I read this post. I think sometimes we just need to let the "be strong" go and just feel the pain that we face. People have said to me that they don't know how I've gotten through my own tragedies and while I know they're trying to compliment me, it doesn't really feel that way. I'm not strong, per se. I just keep going and I sob when they are not around. And sometimes that's the only way to get through that day. I hope today was better.

Alexicographer said...

I know those sobs too and I haven't been through anything like what you have.

Kudos to you for knowing the only way through is ... through.

Mrs. Lemon said...

Ah Mo! So sorry to hear it is getting you down. I am only at failed IVF #2 and I have no idea how you do what you do. It is okay to cry and breakdown, crying is not a sign of not being strong but showing that you care about all you have gone through. It has nothing to do with your strengh! Thinking of you!

Bree said...

Sending love and good thoughts your way.

What IF? said...

As much as it sucks to truly grieve all you have been through, it shows incredible strength to acknowledge those feelings. You are an inspiration, Mo. Be gentle with yourself.

I am wishing for every possible good outcome for you and Will from here on out.

Liz said...

There really are no words, but just wanted to say that I am thinking of you two. Sobs will come, as will every other emotion, and I guess we have no choice but to live through them.

poppy.f.seed said...

you are right, you have to go through it, it is the only way, and painful. But, burying such emotions can be so much worse.
Hugs and hopefulness.

Dreams and False Alarms said...

(((HUGS)))

Clare said...

So sorry you are feeling this pain. You are so lucky to have each other - and together you will make it out to the light at the end. Thinking of you.

Emily Erin said...

(((HUGS))) I am so sorry for the pain that you feel, but I commend you for letting yourself be in it and walk through it. I hope that after the dark night there will be a brilliant dawn for both of you.

nonlineargirl said...

You are going through (and have gone through) some of the hardest stuff. Not that it makes it easier, but do know that others out here have felt the same pain and are hoping for the best for you.

If you want to have a child, there is no "right" way. I understand that feeling of wanting something a certain way and not being able to get it. Watching myself and my friends become parents in a variety of ways ("normal" egg/sperm, through donors, surrogates and adoption) and in the end, we are all parents once a child comes to us however she or he does. I hope that however it happens you get that too.

Eva said...

Wow. You've been through a lot and I just wanted to pop in and say that I think you are amazing. You are funny as hell, smart as a whip and always graceful. xo Yes, it is very hard to make it to the other side and to let go of the dream of having a bio baby. ho hum.

'Murgdan' said...

...just thinking of you. I'm so sorry you are hurting.

niobe said...

You will come out the other side. But it's never a lot of fun getting there. Sigh.

gracieinbrooklyn said...

I'm so sorry. To quote one of my all-time favorite songs from Free to Be You and Me: "It's alright to cry. Crying gets the sad out of us." You have every right to have lots of sadness in you - and sometimes the dam breaks. I wish it was easier or we could have the opportunity to know where the end is --

Treat yourself gingerly...

K said...

I somehow missed this post. :(

I went through all of this last night. I hope that all the tears washed out some of the pent up emotions. And I ached for TH to tell me I/we would be okay (he was asleep).

*sending love*

m said...

oh damn Mo. I so get this. I am so sorry. Sometimes the animal sobs feel like a little bit of a relief though, no? Kind of like those steam gauges on old radiators. You HAVE to let some out sometimes. For the good of the whole.

In our journey, M has been far more willing to work through some options (donor eggs, gestational surrogacy) and far less with others. It's a challenge. Trying to stay on the same page, even when you both want the same end result so badly.

sending you much love.

Amanda said...

I stumbled onto your blog from the Fertility Advocate, I'm so sorry to hear that you're down. I suffered my first m/c back in December, and I can't imagine having gone though what you have. I hope you have a blessing soon.

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