We haven't been posting much, but we are still here. Planning vacations, struggling to comprehend another loss.
Not sure about Will, but I at least am in a strange place. I wouldn't even say I'm mourning this latest loss exactly (at least not in the way that I fiercely mourned the last three). I haven't cried once. I just feel depleted and unsure which direction to go in from here. I haven't been able to bring myself to schedule the follow up appointment with our RE because I can't imagine him having anything to say either. What do you say after all we have been through? Maybe I don't want to hear his continued optimism that we're going to get there if we just keep going. When I look at our results so far, his hopefulness seems almost delusional. How many cycles are we supposed to endure? What makes sense at this juncture? At what point does determination become a ridiculous obsession?
In the event this cycle were negative, we had planned to go to Colorado for their one-day work up. This trip was postponed because I was waiting to miscarry the day the appointment was scheduled for. The miscarriage is now almost complete, but I'm currently unsure if it still makes sense to go out there or not. Could the Colorado folks really have something that is so much better/different than the clinic we are already at? It is so much more expensive and will involve a significant life disruption. Given these realities, it is hard to agree to it when it seems so unlikely that the number 1 clinic in the U.S. (Colorado) will be so very different from our (number 2) clinic.
So that is it. Not much wisdom here of late, just lots of questions of when is enough enough. I am very tired and feeling a bit beaten down by the process, but at the same time, I still can't accept that maybe we aren't going to have children who are related to me/us.
While I wait, I have been just laying low, hoping that some clarity will develop on how and when to proceed.
Mama and Papa
6 hours ago