Still here, just feeling on the quiet side, processing all that has occurred in the past month or so (fourth failed cycle, major surgery, the latest consult) and trying to feel my way forward emotionally toward how to face the uncertain future.
I'm starting to feel better from the lap - still a bit fatigued, but the discomfort seems to have subsided.
Tomorrow I catch a couple of planes to go to the baptism of my friend R's baby. I will be her godmother. Will is not able to come, so I will go on my own. I'm looking forward to meeting the baby in person finally and to celebrating with my friend and her family. At the same time, I know the trip will be depleting and bittersweet. It will be hard to hold R's daughter and know that I may never have this experience for myself.
I am so happy for my friend and at the same time sad for us that we are not moving forward on our own journey and may not make it out the other side with a happy ending, despite all of our efforts and wishes to do so. And although I'm trying not to, it's also easy to lapse into the place of "It's not fair." R. is 44 and conceived her daughter after a single IVF. I am thrilled for her but can't believe that she could have the outcome she's had, while we are having the experience we are. Of course I know life isn't fair (got that pretty thoroughly when I was diagnosed with cancer at age 27, and then again when I lived but watched others die of my same illness). And I know that I'm just torturing myself comparing our two situations, so I try to avoid doing this...down this road peril lies.
Any advice on how to cope with the emotional complexities of the weekend?