This is pretty much how I feel. It is difficult to tell anyone else what this is like. But, depressed, angry, anxious, and disgusted almost sum it up. I alternate from just feeling down to feeling like I am going to rip out of my skin. At work yesterday, several of my colleagues (who are unaware of what Mo and I are going through) actually commented how relaxed I seem. I am trying too hard to keep it together on the outside. This is really trying and tiring. Since Mo goes through all of the physical discomforts I think I tend not to complain too much until it builds up and overflows. It is time to yell, to scream. To run to the gym. To feel and admit that this sucks.
After I took the above picture (I keep these statues on the bookshelf in my office because Mo has banished them from our apartment), I was searching for it on my cluttered computer desktop when I came across this picture I took on a recent trip to Florida:
Its not a great picture in any artistic way whatsoever. But, if you look closely you will find a great horned owl. Somehow remembering how I looked so long and hard to find this great animal so high in a tree made me smile.
Maybe today I will also take some time to clear my mind, stop catastrophizing, and see if I just can't find a great horned owl in the middle of New York City. It will get better.