Monday, March 23, 2009

It's official

The beta is negative.

I just received the call from my RE. We'll be meeting with him Friday to discuss what to make of this latest failure and what our next steps should be. Seems safe to say that all three of us (Will, me, and the RE) are shocked and disappointed. I said as much to the RE and he said back in this wistful voice, "Yeah. Especially because the embryos looked so beautiful." He shared that he had feared we'd be facing selective reduction, not another negative cycle.

Amazing to me still that we could transfer five gorgeous embryos and get nothing.

The RE said that all ten of the physicians at my IVF clinic have a team meeting tomorrow and he will present my case to the group. I'm glad we'll get some other eyes and minds and opinions on the situation, although I dread that they will conclude that the situation is hopeless. Still, I guess better to find out what they all think.

I stayed home from work today, partially because I haven't really been sleeping and partially because I wanted some privacy to take this call. I would have been in the psychiatric ER today (working, not as a patient, although today the line feels a little thin) and there is nowhere on that unit where you can be alone. And you're locked in thoroughly, so it would be hard to get out (multiple doors and keys) to even have a non-private but more private hallway to talk in.

Will is just crushed and so am I. Learning that IVF #4 failed has been terrible, especially since it feels like we went for broke with the endometrial coculture and aggressive transfer. It's almost as painful as our first miscarriage. It feels like conceiving and raising our own genetic child is an increasingly distant likelihood.

Right now the toll of all we've been through in the past 19 months is reverberating in our lives and hearts, magnified by this latest blow. Shortly we will somehow begin the process of scraping ourselves off of the floor and moving forward, although how right now eludes me.

Thank you for all of your comments and support. They have meant the world to us. We feel broken and so very, very alone. Reading your words lessens our aloneness. We are extremely grateful.

Mo

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64 comments:

Sticks and Stims said...

Mo - I am with you - I am so so so sorry and I wish that it turned out differently for both of us. I just got my call - officially negative as well.

I am at work and for better or worse, I am relly busy so I have to run but I want you to know that I have been thinking of you this morning.

XOXO

poppy.f.seed said...

oh, I am so sorry. hugs.

loribeth said...

I'm sorry, Mo. :( It seems there is just no logic to the way these things work.

Megan said...

I'm so sorry. This is so unfair. I can't say if certain people "deserve" children, but if they do, you two would fall squarely in the "deserving" column. I'm sure the pain is so sharp right now. I hope it starts to dull with time.

momsoon said...

You are not alone. we feel your pain and disappointment.
I am so glad you took today to cry or scream or both. I hope Will can come home and the two of you can do it together.
sending you love, and prayers for peace. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

sprogblogger said...

I am so sorry. If there's anything I can do - hire a singing clown to come and deliver flowers to you'all - just let me know. So very sorry.

Alexicographer said...

I'm so sorry.

Every BFN I have had left me feeling like I'd been run over by a truck for 2 weeks and then I gradually found myself feeling better. I hope you'll find the same basic pattern. I am terribly sad for both of you but hope you can come to a place where you (a) have a plan for how to proceed, whatever that does or doesn't involve and (b) are at peace.

As others have already said, it's just not right -- but you knew that.

Sara said...

I am so sorry Mo and Will. It's crushing, and that's putting it mildly. You'll both be in my thoughts and prayers.

luna said...

oh mo and will, I am so very sorry for this. it is crushing.

wishing you both some strength and clarity as you figure out what may be next.

thanks for your sweet comment before too.

Bluebird said...

I know there are no good words, so I won't pretend to have any - other than "this sucks" and "I'm so sorry."

Although I know it doesn't help right now, when the time comes, I hope you remember that you are in the thoughts and hearts of so many.

Dora said...

Damn! Even though you knew, getting that phone call still really hurts. Glad you took today off. I think the psych ER would have been especially hard to take today.

You know I'm here for you. Let me know what you need. Out for tequila? Or I could come over with a bottle, some chocolate, and a box of kleenex? Or do you just need to hibernate today?

Much love to you both! Big hug, hon.

DAVs said...

I am truly sorry. You are not alone. I wish that I didn't have to say that--I wish no one was in this situation--but I just want you to know you aren't alone. Not in your frustrations, your anger, your deep and profound sadness, your grief, your desperate longing for a genetic child with your husband...you're not alone in any of it. I know it's not much comfort and I wish I could offer more.

Mermaid said...

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry.

musicmakermomma said...

Mo and Will, I wish I could just hug you both. It just isn't fair that you have been through so much and are back at square one. I hope the drs have some suggestions or ideas when they meet. Good luck.

My Franks said...

I have been following your story, blog for some time. We received our neg about two weeks ago- I was pulling for you guys hoping for a different outcome. I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I somehow thought that after our first disappointment and acceptance, that this time would be easier. Not so. Hurts all over again. Sending healing thoughts your way- and that you find your way to parenthood sooner than later.
-Crystal

MissMVK said...

I'm thinking of you and sending many hugs your way. Nothing will make you feel better but know that we are all thinking of you during this difficult time.

Melissa Griffin said...

Mo & Will -
As you can see we are all so sorry for you and what you are going through. We were all pulling for you so much!
I am not sure there is anything that I could say to make you feel better except that I am here reading and listening when you want to vent.
Much Love,
Melissa
The Infertility Journey to Motherhood

Smiling said...

Just found your from your comment on my blog... and I am so sorry. It is such a lonely and hard time.

Good for you to find the time to take the call. I needed to do the same. I just really wish it had been so you could celebrate privately instead of this.

You are in my thoughts today. take care

Callie said...

I am just so terribly sorry to hear your news.

I just wanted you to know that you and Will are in my thoughts.

squarepeg said...

I'm so, so sorry. Please take good care of yourself.

Emily said...

I am so sorry. I do believe the BFNs hurt more the deeper we get in this muck. I have been thinking of you guys...wishing you peace and healing. Take care of each other! HUGS

bunny said...

i was secretly hoping for some surprising happy news. not sure what words bring comfort, but please know that i am thinking of you and will.

Mimi said...

Mo, I am also here with you.... for as long as you need me. You too Will. I am so sorry for this and I wish I had the answers. I hope you find them soon. I pray for you every day!

Kami

Soko's Journey to Parenthood said...

I am so sorry to hear this news. I prayed a lot that the outcome would be much much different.

You are both in my heart and my prayers.

Take your time in healing and hopefully with some new eyes and ears on the situation something will come to light for the better.

Take care,
Tracy

Andrea said...

Two million, bazillion ((HUGS)) coming your way. I am keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can get some answers tomorrow. I am so heartbroken for you both.

Good Egg Hunting said...

I am just so sorry. I really thought this would be the one for you. I know that there are no words, but I wish I could give you a huge hug...your pain is palpable and I know how hard it is to keep going when you feel that way. Just know we're all thinking of you and hoping for the best for you...hoping you get some answers/new ideas from the docs' meeting. Meanwhile, take good care of yourself.

'Murgdan' said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
'Murgdan' said...

I am so sorry.

(big hug)

Because there are no words.

Clio said...

it doesn't make sense that your beautiful embryos have not stayed.
I can only imagine your pain at this point.
But human beings are pretty resilient it seems. We are always capable of the amazing feat of being able to recover, one way or another, picking up our pieces and going on with our lives after such hurt and disappointment.
Sending you healing thoughts and energy that you may in time find yourselves again.

nepsi said...

I have been struggling with what to say to you. I was so jealous of your embies the day you posted them because I have never in 6 cycles had that many that looked that good. I can't even imagine the let down it is to get a BFN when you have good looking embies. 4 IVFs are very hard. They put you through the wringer emotionally, financially and physically. I was hoping for you to get some good news. I am so sorry. If it were in my power though I do not even know you I would change things and make them better if I could.

Sticks and Stims said...

We are thinking of you guys.

invitroveritas said...

I've been out of the loop for a couple of days and was really hoping to see different news. I'll be thinking of you both. Geez. I am so, so sorry.

Flower said...

I am so sorry (((HUGS)))

Peachysurro said...

I am soooo sorry, my heart is totally aching for both of you....It is so unfair. I can not begin to understand... I hope the team will have some ideas to make this the last negative you hear...
**cyberhugs**

Ana said...

So, so very sorry. :( Please know that you are not alone.

michelle said...

I am so very sorry this did not have a different outcome for you both. I wish there were some "magic words" to help make it easier; to soothe...but I know there are just not words...I am thinking of you both and sending hugs.

chicklet said...

Fuck, it's all just so stupid and unfair. I don't get at all why it can't just work for some people. Haven't you been through enough?

Michelle said...

Mo I am so sorry. I was rooting for the both of you. You deserve for your dreams to come true! My thoughts are with you. Sending you lots of hugs.

Kahla said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry.

What IF? said...

Mo and Will, this is so devastating in every way. There are no words, and seemingly no answers. I hope the drs can help give some direction for when you're ready to contemplate what comes next. I know that time is not now, and that you need space and time to get your head around this profound loss.

I'm shaking my head slowly at the universe and the injustice of it all.

Darya said...

I'm so sorry for you and Will. It is with great sadness that I tell you that I know how you feel as IVF 3.5 just failed for us.

I wish I knew what to say but I cannot give you the only thing that will make this go away. This journey sucks. (((HUGS)))

mekate said...

I think one of the reasons these loses hurt so badly is because it is so hard to work up hopefulness time and time again-- and yet you do, we do, we all do-- we try and we try and we try and we try some more. And such hardwon, hard fought for hope sucks extra to lose. I am so sorry. I wish I could offer solace- some thing, anything. But really, it just sucks and I am so sorry.

Faith said...

I know you know, but it's just not fair. I hope that these docs can figure this out very soon.

Barren Womb said...

I really am sorry, many hugs to you!

Phoebe said...

I'm so sorry for this devastating loss. Sending some big hugs your way.

Just Caz said...

Big Fat BULLSHIT

I am so so sorry that you have to go through this again.

Villagepig said...

I am so very sorry that the result was a negetive and I hope that you and your hubby will be able to find some peace somewhere down the line.

I guess nobody can really make you feel better but I do wish that I could.

Here's a completely non-creepy, cyber *hug*.

VP

IrishNYC said...

I"m so sorry. I really thought this was it for you.

kirke said...

I know it doesn't help, Mo, but I am so sorry. There are no words. I am thinking of you.

Brenda said...

Mo and Will, I'm so very, very sorry. I wish there was something that I could say or do that would help.

Nikki said...

Mo and Will - I am so sorry. I wish there were words to make this better, but I know there aren't.

Hugs to both of you....

jodie38 said...

Oh, no. Nononononono. Words fail. It's not f*ing fair, on a cosmic level. My heart just breaks for you both - I hope your doctors can give you some helpful information. You're not broken, and very much not alone. We all hear you, and understand completely.

Y'all hang in there.....

Ashley said...

I'm so sorry.

ICLW

My Endo Journey said...

Thinking about you and your husband right now!!!

Melanie said...

I know both your hearts are breaking and I hate it. Sorry doesn't even begin to say it, so just know you both are in my thoughts.

Duck said...

Sorry that it's been a whole day before responding, I've been on the floor too. I can't say that i'm "sad" i just hurt, my heart hurts all the time, and I can't concentrate and the only time I feel okay is when I'm home with my husband and we both have to leave every day and face the world. I know both of you will peel yourself off of the ground one of these days, but in the words of my husband right now "there should be some sorta drinking group for this sh*t" .
So wishing that you had good news (and i really mean it, it would have made me so happy to hear you move onto the other side).

bunny said...

just stopping in to say i've been thinking of you and hoping you've been able to take good care of yourself.

also, extra special thanks for your supportive comments- it is especially sweet as I know that you have plenty on your plate right now!

sarah said...

So so sorry for your news. This just sucks.

Erica said...

Lots of luck with your appointment on Friday. I hope the doctors are able to come up with some answers that give you comfort, although I know that's next to impossible.

You and Will are in my thoughts.

Darya said...

Thanks so much for your comment. We are at a good lab with the best doctor at the clinic. A lot of people end up pregnant. Just not us. I think they took me in too early because so many of my follicles weren't mature. My RE says the biggest reason for a low number of mature follicles is egg quality but I don't believe him.

We are going to try CCRM next...I think. What are your next steps? What did your RE say today? (((HUGS)))

Leslie Laine said...

Hi Mo - I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers and I am thinking of you and Will.

Know that you are on my mind and that I am praying for you both. It's so unfair that anyone has to go through this. I hope your pain is in the process of healing so that you can continue to move forward.

In the meantime, I'll be following along and praying.

Flakymn said...

As someone who had four negative IVFs, I truly understand your heart right now ... it is a very difficult place to be.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I am so sorry.

~ Katie ~ said...

oh I'm soooo sorry. I think that you and your husband are very brave in going forward with your journey with IVF. HUGS from TX

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