Saturday, January 17, 2009

IVF doldrums

Haven't posted because I don't have a whole lot to say. My birthday hit hard. I've always loved getting older (especially since having cancer) but this year, for the first time, I really felt that I didn't want to mark the passage of another year.

Will said to me the night of my 37th birthday, "Can you believe we're in our late 30s already?" and I just started crying. Yes, I can certainly believe it. What I'm having trouble wrapping my head around is the possibility that we may not be able to have children.

That said, all is quiet externally. We're in that between-cycle doldrum place. It is unprecedented, but I didn't ovulate this month. This perhaps explains the hot flashes but just reinforces my fears of perimenopause.

We're using this in-between time to set up some second opinions and to move forward with long-neglected professional tasks (e.g., dissertation, fellowship applications, grant applications) and personal life (vacation plans, yoga classes for Will, new and improved diet).

Hopefully we will get much accomplished and maybe even have some fun doing it. Still I am secretly hoping the time will pass quickly until we can cycle again.

On another topic, my friend R. reached 31 weeks this past Wednesday. She's going a bit batty in the hospital now and is 100% effaced. They aren't doing internal checks anymore because they said the next thing that will happen is her water will break and she will almost immediately deliver (I guess you don't need to dilate to 10 cms when you're this early). But no delivery as of yet - fingers crossed that she gets to 32 weeks - and maybe even beyond!

Mo

23 comments:

Mimi said...

I am praying for you and your friend. I too look forward to growing old. Weird, I know. Happy birthday by the way. I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. Keep your chin up.

Kami

Duck said...

SOrry to hear that you had a hard birthday, hang in there I'm hoping that this year brings you everything you guys are looking for.

Nicole said...

Hey Mo, good to hear from you. Sorry the birthday was hard. One more reason to despise growing up.

Keep us posted on the second opinions...

~nicole
allgrownup

Leigh said...

I'm sorry you had a bad birthday.

This year's one was bad for me too - I kept thinking "I'm going to be a mature mother" if I ever get pregnant!

Enjoy making those vacation plans and keep busy until you can start again!

Michelle said...

I am glad to here your friend is still hanging in there I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.

Happy Birthday! I know what you mean it seems every year the birthdays just get harder. I hope you enjoy your waiting period and that it goes by fast.

Leigh said...

Okay, this is the weirdest thing. I just looked on your sidebar and I'm under pregnant blogs - are you sure that's me? LOL

I feel so 100% still permanently in the IF camp I even bought another infertility book today.

Do you think it'll ever change?

Lisa said...

Good to hear about your friend. Hopefully it is just the drugs screwing with your cycle - after my first ivf and first miscarriage at almost 6 weeks, I got a period 28 days later but the next one took almost 50 - I never, ever went beyond 28-29 days before that.

Good luck with the life plans - I would love to lose some weight but I have been so happy lounging in stretch pants...

Michelle said...

I am rooting out loud and cheering that all goes well for your friend. I managed my 37th birthday (my first after finding out I can't have children of my own). It was a day that I was happy to have pass without much fanfare and just a quiet dinner with my husband. I am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed that all goes well with the next cycle...the waiting game is the worst.

Nikki said...

Sorry the birthday was hard, but happy birthday anyway. I hope the year brings a lot of good news for you.

Good luck to your friend!

Phoebe said...

Ahh, what I would give to be 37 again. I'm 5 years older than you. It's all relative. I had hot flashes and anovulatory cycles at 38. It's not the end of your fertility, just a wake up call. Do all that stuff you will do to take care of yourself. Have you done Chinese herbs and acupuncture? As much as waiting sucks, look at it as an opportunity to get your egg quality improved. It takes 3-5 months to form a follicle. You might be interested in my latest post.

Happy Birthday and hang in there! Glad to hear your friend is hangin' in there too!

Megan said...

Hang in there. I hope you don't have to wait much longer to cycle, but it sounds like you are being productive.

sprogblogger said...

I just turned 39, so I feel your pain. Besides which, I'm with you - I've always rather celebrated the fact that I lived through another year. Somehow, enduring a shit-filled year of disappointment just doesn't seem like reason enough to get out the party hats.

Hang in there, Mo. I still have high hopes for us all in 2009.

Emily said...

Sorry you are in the doldrums. Sounds like you have some wonderful, positive things to focus on.
Thinking of you and hoping your funk is short lived!

musicmakermomma said...

Mo, you will get there, just keep hoping. Birthdays are such strange animals, some years I'm so happy and I feel very accomplished, but other years I'm just so much the opposite. The past few years have been that way, and I am really determined this year I will be proud of what I look back on. Hoping we successfully cycle together in a couple months - jill

Faith said...

Hope you can find some joy and fun in this time off -- and happy birthday, my friend.

bunny said...

happy birthday!!! i have always loved others' birthdays much more than my own. glad to hear that R's little one is still snuggled in the womb. hope you feel better-- i too am caught in flux and am a little daunted by thinking that the soonest i can get back in the saddle (or stirrups) might be the end of April, which feels so, so far away! hang in there...

Joannah said...

I understand your feelings completely. It's not about the getting older. It's about feeling like you're running out of time to do something that's so important to you.

Melanie said...

Happy birthday, Mo! Completely understand where you're coming from on the birthday front. Last birthday -- 38 -- my only thoughts were, well shit, I'm in a new IVF age bracket and that's not good from a statistical standpoint. But, you're a very wise 37 year old to look to this unplanned break as a time to catch up on nonIVF parts of your life. You'll be starting up again soon enough.

I would bet lots of money that you're not in perimenopause. After my 2nd IVF, I didn't ovulate either and my first thoughts also were perimenopause. My RE said it's not at all unusual for that to happen after a round of IVF.

Hang in. Remember, birthdays after 35 mean you can do whatever the hell you want to do, that includes daily helpings of cake, trashy novels and movies with not even a smidgen of educational value, if needed.

Melanie said...

I wasn't clear, my RE said it's not unusual to not ovulate after a round of stims, not begin perimenopause. Geez Melanie.

dreamsandfalsealarms said...

I feel ya. I have an appointment set up to talk to a local DE mom, and I just can't. Every new bit of information is an avalance of feelings, and I need to stay in the infertility ski lodge for a while and drink hot chocolate.

April said...

glad to hear you're doing okay. sorry the birthday was a little tough. :(

fingers crossed for your friend.

birdsandsquirrels said...

Birthdays are brutal when dealing with infertility. Every damn day and week ticking away depresses me, and birthdays send me to the pit straight away. I'm sorry it was a rough one for you. I hope this in between time gives you a chance to catch your breath. I hope the time will pass quickly, and that you can cycle again soon. Waiting sucks.

Seriously? - Erin said...

I haven't been down your road as I stopped at my MA in I/O psych. If you go for the more research oriented couldn't you find a way to make that work if you do have children? Teaching at college maybe? I had some great professors who had kids and taught only two or three days a week.

I wish you the best in your hard decision. Riley is an Airedale Terrier they have a very unique personality...

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