Friday, December 19, 2008

9dp3dt


It's nine days post our three day transfer and I feel like the window of hope is closing. I continue to feel no pregnancy symptoms. I continue to test negative.

Will and I are both starting to feel pretty hopeless, not just about this cycle but about our chances of having a biological child in general.

As you know, I've had a bad feeling about this cycle for a while, first during the stimulation phase and then at the transfer when I saw how fragmented the embryos were.

I have loved all of your encouragements (they have really, really helped, thank you), and especially Nancy's that she got a positive very late in the two week wait (Nancy, I continue to hold on to your story as my singular hope), but I also know my body. I've been pregnant three times and I know what it has felt like for me. I also learned from the whole Hodgkin's experience that it is vital I trust my instincts about my body. To trust that sometimes I just know that something is wrong.

So I'm still not downing margaritas or stopping the PIO (although I've broken out in hives again - neck, arms, chest, back. Like some extra cruel twist of fate. So much for switching from sesame to olive oil). I'm going through the motions, but really, I think it's over.

Will and I are both feeling so strongly this way that we decided to pre-emptively schedule the WTF meeting with the RE. I realize this sounds maybe a little ludicrous, but the idea of sitting with all of our feelings with no information until after the new year seemed unbearable. We figured we could always cancel the meeting if I turned out to be pregnant.

So I called. And the RE's assistant said that he didn't have an opening to meet with Will and me until Jan. 20th. HA HA HA HA!

I got off the phone and hit bottom emotionally. I know our RE is a busy guy. I know he has probably more patients than he should because he is so good at what he does. And I know that their office is closing for the holiday. And that he's probably taking some vacation. I do realize these things. But honestly, I felt a bit abandoned. And a wee bit resentful. Like it's expected for Will and me to turn our schedules upside down but when it comes time for a 10-minute talk so that Will and I can try to have a decent Christmas, he's too busy. Too busy FOR A MONTH.

Can we all say progesterone-induced insanity syndrome? I'm not usually a nutty, entitled person. Truly I'm not.

Anyway, I spoke to Will, and he offered to email the RE to see if there was any possibility of something earlier. No drama, no pushing, just simply asking. And twenty minutes later, the RE emailed back and now we're going in on Monday afternoon, probably about 2 hours after we get the "official" negative beta. Thank God I have an MD spouse on the same faculty as our RE. I am grateful but slightly saddened that if we weren't fortunately connected we'd be waiting a month. Anyone in our situation deserves to get a chance to discuss matters in a reasonable amount of time (say within a couple of weeks).

Maybe we'll get a miracle positive on the hpt in the next two days but we are starting to accept that we probably won't. And it is a huge consolation that we can talk with the RE and come up with a Plan B (or is it Plan D at this point?) so quickly.

Mo

20 comments:

Clio said...

Oh, Mo...
it sucks that you are feeling so low down...
((hug))
that you are only going through the motions when you say you know in your body how it feels to be pregnant.
It is nice that you got your time with the RE before the end of the year.
But try to hold on to that last thread of hope. :)
the possibility still exists.

Emily said...

I am so very sorry that you are not feeling optimistic about this cycle. You are right to trust your instincts...

I am going to hold out hope a little longer. I will be thinking of you both!

Melanie said...

On my only positive cycle, I didn't get a BFP until 8dp5dt. I also feel sure that pregnancy symptoms vary from pregnancy to pregnancy, even with the same person. Just words, I know.

They don't address what you're feeling right now, which is low and discouraged and let down. All I have to offer is that I know so very, very well what you're feeling. So many of us are walking and have walked that painful journey. My only prayer is that we make it through the other side like so many, many people have. I'm not going to say I'm sorry (one because it's premature) because I know that I've had a lifetime of sorry's. I am virtually holding your hand and sending you strength and hope.

Nikki said...

I'm sorry your feeling down. I too agree that we know our bodies and should trust our instincts. But I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Good that you get to regroup with your RE sooner than in a month!!

Good luck!

Mermaid said...

((hugs))

I'm sorry this cycle seems to be going poorly. I'm thinking about you both.

I'm glad you were able to get in to see the doctor. I don't care what connection you had to use, you deserve that meeting.

PJ said...

I still think this is early to give up hope, but I know what you mean about knowing your body. Although Melanie has a good point in that each pregnancy can be different.

I hope the meeting with the RE gives you some understanding of where you are and where you need to be. Knowledge is important.

Hugs

bunny said...

hang tight. i'll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. good luck this weekend. keep busy. (distracted?)

i'm glad you were able to get in to see your RE-- i say if you have strings, pull them!

Peachy said...

((hugs)) Chris and I are also feeling pretty hopeless about ever having our own bio child also. I also had a bad feeling about this cycle to begin with. They had issues getting my drugs to me on time, then I didn't suppress, and the final straw of the one fragmented embryo.
I also tested negative this morning and I am only one day behind you.

That is good news though that the RE will see you on Monday to come up with a new plan. I should also call soon to schedule our WTF appointment where we will find out if are embryos are even worth using.

I hope you guys have a good weekend!

Nicole said...

Thanks Mo for your kind words on my blog...here's to you too! I hope the weekend brings you back up into good spirits.

~Nicole
via L&F

Dora said...

Damn, Mo. Such a sucky feeling. Monday is beta day, too. It is still possible you could be pg, but I understand losing hope as the hpts continue to be negative.

Let me know if you want to go for some margaritas next week.

I'm glad Will was able to pull strings. I really think these drs need to understand that WTF appts should get some priority.

Did any embies from this cycle make it to freeze?

'Murgdan' said...

Crap. Sorry things aren't looking (or at least feeling) up for you. It is good that you get to go in and at least get some answers and a new plan...a MONTH would be unreasonable. No one.is.that.busy.
(hugs)(and more hugs).

Hope things do turn around in a few days--you become incredibly nauseated, and a second line shows itself.

Otherwise I wish I could join you for those margaritas....

sprogblogger said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so hopeless - I never got a positive until 10dp3dt, and even then it was so very faint that my husband never did see it. It was really more like 11dp or 12 dp when 'normal people' could see it.

And if this is, in fact, a bummer cycle, please know that I'm thinking of you guys. You're absolutely entitled to see your RE sooner than what they tried to schedule you for! I'm also hoping that if it's necessary, plan B (or D) will turn out to be super-successful.

Hang in there. It aint over yet.

Alex said...

I'm so sorry. No words of wisdom here, but glad you were able to get your appointment moved up.

Geohde said...

I'm sorry.
I know what you mean.

I knew in my unsuccessful IVF;s that they were duds from the mid tww and it sucked ass.

Sorry to swear in your comments section, but it's in solidarity,

xx

J

CTagsGirl said...

Awwww, Mo. I'm still holding-out hope for you too. It's not a done deal yet. It's almost a curse to be so in-tune with our bodies, isn't it?!

Thinking of you today and sending you a big, HUGE-MONGOUS hug. :)

Phoebe said...

It ain't over till the fat lady sings, or until you get a negative beta. Don't count yourself out of the game just yet. Try to focus on sending all your love to those embryos right now. I'm still rooting for you!

In Due Time said...

(((Hugs))))

I hope you have a blessed new year.

Lisa said...

Hey Mo - I am sorry that you are going through this, my heart goes out to you. I bet you do know your body after every thing you have been through but I am hoping that there is still a chance anyway.

It is a shame that we have to advocate (read demand) 24/7 for ourselves - but I am so glad that you guys pushed for an early appointment with your RE - I hope you get some answers that will allow you to enjoy the holidays.

((HUGS))

April said...

just catching up....i really hope that you get a postive....i'm holding out hope.

:(

fingers crossed

xx

Valerie said...

I am sorry you are feeling down.


ICLW

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