Friday, December 19, 2008
It's nine days post our three day transfer and I feel like the window of hope is closing. I continue to feel no pregnancy symptoms. I continue to test negative.
Will and I are both starting to feel pretty hopeless, not just about this cycle but about our chances of having a biological child in general.
As you know, I've had a bad feeling about this cycle for a while, first during the stimulation phase and then at the transfer when I saw how fragmented the embryos were.
I have loved all of your encouragements (they have really, really helped, thank you), and especially Nancy's that she got a positive very late in the two week wait (Nancy, I continue to hold on to your story as my singular hope), but I also know my body. I've been pregnant three times and I know what it has felt like for me. I also learned from the whole Hodgkin's experience that it is vital I trust my instincts about my body. To trust that sometimes I just know that something is wrong.
So I'm still not downing margaritas or stopping the PIO (although I've broken out in hives again - neck, arms, chest, back. Like some extra cruel twist of fate. So much for switching from sesame to olive oil). I'm going through the motions, but really, I think it's over.
Will and I are both feeling so strongly this way that we decided to pre-emptively schedule the WTF meeting with the RE. I realize this sounds maybe a little ludicrous, but the idea of sitting with all of our feelings with no information until after the new year seemed unbearable. We figured we could always cancel the meeting if I turned out to be pregnant.
So I called. And the RE's assistant said that he didn't have an opening to meet with Will and me until Jan. 20th. HA HA HA HA!
I got off the phone and hit bottom emotionally. I know our RE is a busy guy. I know he has probably more patients than he should because he is so good at what he does. And I know that their office is closing for the holiday. And that he's probably taking some vacation. I do realize these things. But honestly, I felt a bit abandoned. And a wee bit resentful. Like it's expected for Will and me to turn our schedules upside down but when it comes time for a 10-minute talk so that Will and I can try to have a decent Christmas, he's too busy. Too busy FOR A MONTH.
Can we all say progesterone-induced insanity syndrome? I'm not usually a nutty, entitled person. Truly I'm not.
Anyway, I spoke to Will, and he offered to email the RE to see if there was any possibility of something earlier. No drama, no pushing, just simply asking. And twenty minutes later, the RE emailed back and now we're going in on Monday afternoon, probably about 2 hours after we get the "official" negative beta. Thank God I have an MD spouse on the same faculty as our RE. I am grateful but slightly saddened that if we weren't fortunately connected we'd be waiting a month. Anyone in our situation deserves to get a chance to discuss matters in a reasonable amount of time (say within a couple of weeks).
Maybe we'll get a miracle positive on the hpt in the next two days but we are starting to accept that we probably won't. And it is a huge consolation that we can talk with the RE and come up with a Plan B (or is it Plan D at this point?) so quickly.
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